Wayward Wife & LRT (5)

[Starsky309]

I'm curious what you think the proper response to a wayward initiating physical contact, say a hug, should be.

Never let down your guard. Never think it may be more than what it is. (By "never", I mean as long as she is wayward). I would say to pretend she's a little old lady giving you a hug. You know how you would respond to an elderly grandma's hug. Maybe that will keep you in check.

I am always suspicious of a WW suddenly becoming so friendly with LBH. Most newcomers want to read more into it, when actually it doesn't mean the WW is wanting to R. There are various reasons a WW does this, but rarely is it with the intent of R. When she is authentic about reconciling, it will probably be a slower, and maybe even a more humble approach.

In my WW thread, I talked about the subject of detaching and reattracting the WW. I mean no offense, but I have noticed in past times, people who resist DB detaching and says it doesn't work.......or say it is making matters worse, really have a tough time letting the WS go. Detaching is two-fold. It is primarily for the LBS, but it also has a certain amount of drawing power to the WAS. The LBH has to let her go, first. That has to be what she sees and believes. Yes, she may play every trick in the book to show she can still pull the emotional and sexual strings of the LBH, but it is a test. If he doesn't cave, and stays cool, calm, collected, and in charge.......he passes. She'll act pi$$ed about it, but he passes, and she will want him even more.

Some women are immediately drawn to the H who detaches, and some have to have a good bit of time before they begin getting interested. But as long as he clings to her, waiting around for her waywardness to leave, tolerating her disrespect, trying to be her BFF, etc., I don't believe he will have much more than a limbo relationship with her.

Are there guarantees DBing? A lot of guys have asked this question. Did you have a guarantee she would ever go a date or marry you......before you took the plunge to ask? Do we have anything in life that is a guarantee? There are some differences of opinions in some areas in DBing, but one of the first things Michele teaches is about detaching. The problem for most people is they misunderstand the concept. That, and they are too afraid of it.

No book or program can give guarantees, b/c people are going to mess up. They will do things in the wrong time frame, wait too late before finally doing what should have been done first thing, etc. (Look at how many people will not take the advice they get, then come back and want help getting out of a worse mess). And then there is the wayward, who is in rebellion, so no........nothing is guaranteed.

Starsky

[NDY]

Hi Defacto

So looking at Emotional detachment today (yea, Im that kind of guy) and it wasn't long before I found the page that the detaching thread on this site came from. So looking a little further I found this technique that is meant to help and I thought of us when I found it:

Stand in front of a mirror and think of some of the nastiest and most hurtful things your wife or girlfriend has said or done to you. Maintain eye contact and practice a calm, blank facial expression or a knowing, slightly amused smile. Practice slow, steady and relaxed breathing. Lower the tone of your voice (higher pitched voices reveal anxiety and agitation). Your shoulders, arms and hands should hang loose. Keep practicing relaxed and detached body language until you actually feel indifferent and unruffled by her barbs, jabs and eye rolls. In other words, fake it ’til you make it.

Hope this helps.

[sandi2]

I hope so, too, NDY. You aren't the first, nor last, to have trouble with it.

[NDY]

Hi sandi. I'm just glad I have something I can work with now.


Defacto - start a new thread - Cadet