Thought I'd get my story out there. My H is in mlc. No sign of affair yet, but I don't snoop and he's out nearly every night until 2am so it's certainly a possibility. I've just decided that there's nothing I could do to stop it and it may happen so I'm trying to be prepared if I ever stumble onto something. I know that an A has it's own innate consequences so if it happens, it will have to be what it is.
My biggest issue right now is that H has taken control of all our finances. I have a chronic illness so I don't work. He's always supported this and we don't need the extra money. But, he's got everything hidden in a secret account. So far I've just groveled for everything I need and he gives me the exact amount for groceries or medical bills for the kids or whatever. If this is mlc and will continue for years, it could get hairy. Not sure what kind of plan I should make for my finances.
Right now I'm just putting up with it and seeing if things change but it does really upset me cuz it's my money too.
Input would be helpful. Thanks!
***** M: 16 y Three adult kids, 2 younger kids Still living together He filed for D May '15, I havent been served yet
M: 16y 3 adult kids, 2 young kids H filed D May/15, no svc yet Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? ~ Abe Lincoln WAKE UP. WORK HARD. FORGIVE. REPEAT.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks for the links. I'm very new in this process, just a few months in, but am researching all I can!
I'm having a real struggle detaching and GAL. Nothing sounds fun. But I'm reading through other's stories and maybe that's totally normal during the grieving process.
M: 16y 3 adult kids, 2 young kids H filed D May/15, no svc yet Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? ~ Abe Lincoln WAKE UP. WORK HARD. FORGIVE. REPEAT.
Get a copy of his check and see what half is, deposit half ino your account effetive immediately.
Do you have a joint credit card - take your name of now. Get your own credit card.
Run a credit check to see what bank accounts he has. You are entitled to half. Does he have a 403 B, yep half. Is your name on the mortgage - half, you get my drift.
Don't let him string you along, you have kids. Have you spoken to a lawyer yet? If not, I suggest you do so ASAP. If nothing else just to know your rights.
I don't see any of the money. His check gets deposited directly into his secret account. He emptied all of our joint accounts.
M: 16y 3 adult kids, 2 young kids H filed D May/15, no svc yet Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? ~ Abe Lincoln WAKE UP. WORK HARD. FORGIVE. REPEAT.
He's pretty paranoid lately. He keeps accusing me of stuff. Most recently, he's accusing me of "trying to divorce" him. He's met with attorneys and filled out divorce papers and filed them, but then never served me and just has them sitting there. He says he doesn't intend to move forward with the papers as written and has it all on hold for now.
He filed because he was sure I was planning to file in another state (I was travelling with my kids to care for my mom. I was gone about a month.) He was astounded when I got home and he discovered, as I'd repeatedly told him, that I had not filed, had no intent to file, and didn't plan to divorce him or want to divorce him. I havent met with any attorneys or done any paperwork.
Furthermore, I have told him that IF we were to split, I would gladly share custody with him and have no problem with that. He wrote up the paperwork to give himself full custody (which he'd never get so it doesn't worry me). He's said several times that he thinks he could get full custody and that it might be best for the kids.
So, I started keeping a calender of nights he's out. He goes out drinking 4-5 nights a week and closes out the bars. The kids go several days in a row every week where they don't see him at all cuz he goes out drinking straight from work and doesn't get home until 2am and then goes out again right after work the next night.
I figure he won't have any standing to convince a judge he considers me an unfit parent if he leaves me alone with the kids all day and all night nearly all the time.
Anyway, he considers this calendar more "proof" that I'm planning to divorce him. I told him, No, I'm only protecting myself in the event of a custody battle which you keep threatening.
It heartens me some that he's being so weird and unreasonable because that suggests he truly is not himself (we've always had the most beautiful and happy marriage until BD when he decided he hates tons of things about me). So, I have hope that, probably years from now, he will recover some and resemble a human capable of rational thought.
M: 16y 3 adult kids, 2 young kids H filed D May/15, no svc yet Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? ~ Abe Lincoln WAKE UP. WORK HARD. FORGIVE. REPEAT.
I've been reading the background stories of others in the Newcomers section and it really strengthened me today.
Because we fought some this morning over the calendar accusations, I've been stressed all day. He's always approved of me completely until 6 months ago so I get really lost when we fight. We're still close often and still working on our marriage so it makes it harder to detach. I try to think of him as a roommate who pays my bills for me so I don't get upset that he comes and goes as he pleases. I'm not yet fully successful in that reframing.
But today I did have a flood of understanding about becoming a wife that any husband would be a fool to leave and also about detaching from his tantrums. I realized many bad things may happen, earthquakes, financial disasters, car accidents, plane wrecks, disease.....and I can't control any of them. But I don't walk around freaking out over the possibility of them either.
He may do many wretched things in the months to come. And, if he does, I'll have no control over it. I can only do my best to have integrity in each moment and work on my humility so I don't get stirred up to anger over and over due to past or imagined injustices.
Let go and Let God. I am entitled to personal peace.
Anyway, just giving a thanks tonight for everyone who has shared their stories and wisdom here. They are already supporting me.
Hugs!
M: 16y 3 adult kids, 2 young kids H filed D May/15, no svc yet Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? ~ Abe Lincoln WAKE UP. WORK HARD. FORGIVE. REPEAT.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today.
Your coach will be most helpful in determining the best next steps, especially regarding the secret bank account/financial situation and the time with kids calendar.
Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
