I wish I had an answer on that. I'm new to boundary setting and how to lovingly detach and all that crud I still think I shouldn't have to bother to do.
I do have another divorce in my past, from a starter M with one kid. In the beginning I'd get quite upset over each outrageous thing he did...even though I knew he was a complete reprobate. But, I healed a little every day and over time cared less and less about any of the things he said or decisions he made. He had little contact with our kid, plenty of blame for me, and my kid is a grown up now and I got all the precious memories.
Sounds to me like yer W wants to tell you to get lost in one conversation and be a complete partner with her in the next, coordinating gifts, etc. If you were in a new M, you and your new W would decide on teacher gifts, not yer XW. Let us hope this does not end up becoming the case, but it seems to me that you could say, "The kids and I have already made our plans for teacher gifts this year. Thank you for considering including us in your plans. That was thoughtful. Please go ahead with whatever works for you. Thanks!"
When we are happy and ok, it makes our mlc spouses have to think. It makes them mad, too, but I think that's because they really, really want us to be the enemy. We'll do our best to make that a difficult thing to frame.
Hugs!
M: 16y 3 adult kids, 2 young kids H filed D May/15, no svc yet Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? ~ Abe Lincoln WAKE UP. WORK HARD. FORGIVE. REPEAT.
