Maybell XXXV: Almost There

[mahhhty]

MB - What a reflective/introspective post. I think it is very thoughtful & curious about what your future looks like, but for the most part slightly sad, which is understandable.

For some reason, a couple hundred dollars to GoDaddy -- anyone know what that could be about?

Most likely for a website domain, or business emails, or a combination there of. If you really were interested you could look at their packages and figure it out.

And it hurts more that he's spending his money in such lonely ways than seeing evidence that he has a girlfriend, or dare I dream it, actual friends of his own. I hate seeing that he spent day after day eating alone in the same few restaurants, and then spent $200 on alcohol. I wish I saw a better life for him. It hurts that this is who he's decided to be. I had a high opinion of him. I thought he was a good man, a smart man. He was charming and handsome and had the best smile. Sometimes I could tell him how much he meant to me and his eyes would tear up. But now he's just a frat boy.

I think you are reading into this & doing so incorrectly. People don't choose poorly, they choose to not change as their relationship does. IMHO, seeing him like this now, shows only that he is hurting on some level. And trying to drown his sorrows. He is most likely grieving the loss of his relationship just as you are. Yet doing it much differently than you are. The person you meet and married was the best version of himself. Over time that person changed or choose not to change as the situation did for many many reasons. The takeaway is that you had a hand in the person he became as he did.

Anyway, I'm so done with all this. I wish I were on to the next phase. My life is still feeling sort of heavy and my days are dragging and I feel trapped in limbo and no sense of how things will work out.

We don't have to know each step, but we do have to know what we want. Think about what you want, in 5 years, 10 years, where will you be? what do you want? who will you be with? Think hard about your goals, and the individual steps to meeting them will come. When they do.... CARPE DIEM!

It's the fear that no one will ever love me. I don't know if STBX ever did because I can't imagine loving someone and building a life with them and letting that love, that relationship die on purpose, but since I clearly don't understand him at all I don't think I'll ever know if that was his version of love.

In the words of Mary Poppins this is Pure Poppycock! (Honestly I have no idea if she said that). Regardless, we can't comprehend it b/c it was not us who wanted it. However, the idea that love will not come, that "the One" will not come... I believe to be a fallacy. If you are open to it, it will appear, when you stop looking for it. There is no such thing as The One. In fact there are millions of "The Ones." There are people upon people upon people that will be lucky to be with MB.

he was a contractor with a THICK Southern accent and I was worried that if I ended up with him that I would end up lonely in the South for the rest of my days and never see the parts of the world that I dreamed of seeing

You came to that decision pretty quick. Definitely judged the guy rather severely rather quickly. Live and learn Girl!

Goodluck MB!