I think there are some elements of all of the above.
Yes, I didn't understand what he was dealing with in the outside world. I agree. He must have felt very alone. But, he also used the situation, and I know this in my bones, to justify his drug use. If his wife was a deadbeat, then he felt he had the right to do drugs because he deserved the break.
I also know I have a tendency to take on wayyyy too much responsibility for things that aren't always mine to own. I have apologized for work issue until the cows come home and back and then back to the moon again. And, I think I've made up for it several times over.
And, that's where I think his fragile, addicted mind comes into play...he has rewritten history in that he has deleted the years I did work, up until D12 was 2 and, then, because her problems were dominating our lives and he refused to watch her in the evenings any longer because he couldn't handle her, I quit my job to be home with our special needs daughter. The reality was something he never fully embraced. He was also never there when I needed him to help me parent her. He simply didn't have the maturity, patience or whatever to handle a very difficult child. I remember one counselor (one of the many) telling me...in my 30 years, she is one of the hardest children I've ever had the privilege to know.
So, there's that. I took the brunt of parenting, while he was in the outside world. I remember wishing, at the time, for a partner who appreciated how hard it was to get up and do what I did day-in-and-day out. I wasn't home eating bonbons like he has depicted.
Plus, I hear the grandiosity of an alcoholic justifying his behavior.
Back to the perspective. It's complicated.
Epiphany this morning. It's not just finding a job I can do. It has to be a job that meshes with my lifestyle and parenting situation. I can DO the job I have...and I could do it stellar...if I didn't have to parent. But, I do and I need to find something that works in all arenas of my life.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
