Rebuilding my Castle...

[LoisB]

Thanks so much :-)

Turned in my self-eval. I was overthinking it. So, I thought about it for days and, then, gave myself a short amount of time to put it into print. I'm satisfied with what I wrote. Although, I think there are other areas I could have tooted my own horn.

I think what I need here is perspective.

Yesterday went OK. In some ways really well. I actually left the main office thinking maybe I was in much better shape than I thought. Maybe I was overreacting? Not the first time.

One thing that's hard about this job is the isolation. I work in an office of one...me. So, I never get to really get a feel for how I'm doing based upon my interactions with others. I could get an email from my supervisor where he has attitude, but I don't see that maybe he had a stressful morning previous to sending the email. Does this make sense? For someone who is already terrible with office politics and relies on my instinct/visual perceptions strongly...well, I can get it wrong. But, I don't know?

I sit in my sad little office alone, except for the one day of the week where I go to the main office and interact.

Still...I woke up this morning thinking of something Matt said the last time we interacted--over a month ago. I was having a moment of clarity myself where I felt I needed to offer my apologies for NOT getting how stressed he was, having the burden of ALL the finances on his shoulders. I get that now in a much different way since he left. Anyway. I told him that I was sorry I looked to him to be this parent of sorts, as opposed to a partner.

I wasn't expecting anything really. Just the chance to say, "I get that this wasn't all you."

He responded with..."It's all water under the bridge Heath" (HATE when he calls me Heath)..."I'm just sorry it took so much B.S. to get you there."

"To get me there?" Like this was all some orchestrated plan to "GET" Heather into some grown up panties?

I bring it up because, my initial reaction was one of guilt. "He's right. I was a terrible wife. Maybe he was just at his wit's end and all of this is somehow for the best."

I took that one comment and aimed it directly at my self-esteem.

This is where I lack decent perspective. I have one good day at the office and I begin to wonder if I'm wrong about EVERYTHING?

I'm not. I need to hang onto that. There are always things I could do better and there are things where I've been outstanding, especially given the pressure. This company hasn't been allllll bad and there are areas where it's been terrible. This isn't a black and white situation.

Bottom Line: When I looked at the criteria that they wanted me to self-evaluate...it was a bit silly in terms of all they expect. Remember the list I was given? I can't imagine there is another employee at this company expected to pull alllll of that off. I know there isn't.

Also, this has been a terrible situation for D12. I need to factor this in too. I've been so busy trying to fulfill their long-a$$ list that we just haven't had a life. We need a life.

Ok. I think some perspective is back. Thanks for listening.

Perused some more jobs with my morning cup of coffee.