They desperately cling to their M out of co-dependency for a while, they commit themselves to looking in the mirror and doing whatever they need to for the M to be saved...until they realize they can't control the outcome and get what they want (R) when they want it...then they get resentful and start refocusing on the WAS's current bad behavior, then as they detach and don't "need" the M anymore they refocus on their grievances in the M, their spouse's shortcomings (in the form of psychological diagnosis), then they decide their spouse was the failure, their M stunk, and they are lucky to be rid of their ex because they never would've been happy anyway. Yet they insist that they've grown as people and somehow have the moral high ground AND are better prepared for their next M.
Were you thinking of me here, Zues?
I don't know that this is totally accurate.
I was dissatisfied for a LOT of my marriage. I felt like I tried every which way I could to reach him and he just stonewalled all the time. But I still loved him because sometimes I could see the bits of him that made me feel so connected to him. I would NEVER have left and I would have gladly reconciled if I hadn't discovered he's a serial cheater -- and that made me look backwards and see the red flags I minimized before, when I thought the marriage had a future.
Be careful how you attribute script to people who are working to heal. It's not very kind, and it assumes that the less moral, less committed person is more accurate about the condition of the marriage leading up to the rupture than the person who tried to find the good in it. It also assumes blame. My relationship skills may need a little more finesse but I ALWAYS showed up. Can you say that about someone who spent years working their way out of the marriage?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
