Advice Welcome, separating and W moving out soon..

[Zues126]

Very good goals, and definitely a hard walk you're walking. Good job. For where you're at in the journey you couldn't have come any further.

I have to be careful, because you can only take on so much so quickly. One this I notice is that your changes are mostly GAL and what you think you want to be better at. Which is good! I'm really curious, what would you say your shortcomings were in the M?

I went back to your original post and it wasn't clear, some stuff about not having kids, etc. But even that doesn't really go into how she felt, or what flaw in your interpersonal relationship skills allowed that to manifest.

I think the key is to understand your W's pain, what your role was...then examine what you feel you need to change for YOU...then think about what that looks like.

For example, the kids thing may be about insensitivity...you realize that you diminished her needs and didn't make them equal with yours...so now you decide you want to be less selfish, and you will do that by 1) validating what others are telling you, and 2) relating it to a need you have that is powerful to you (i.e. if my boss likes my office clean and I don't think it's a big deal, maybe I realize that I don't like it when he texts while I'm talking to him and HE doesn't think that's a big deal when it bothers me...so I decide to clean my office because maybe it's just as important to him as the 'no texting' is to me).

This is a fictional example of how you can look at the breakdown in your M, figure out where you contributed, pick a couple of recurring themes you feel are important, and start trying to implement strategies.

Best is to combine this with research on your own on these topics, books, IC, and talking on these boards and with some trusted friends. Many of the surface issues are just symptoms of much deeper issues.

For me it was a medley of escaping, controlling behavior, porn abuse, all of which was tied together because I hadn't addressed some of my own neglected needs and was hoping she would heal me. It's been a year and that's only one step in a lifelong journey.

I urge you to move quickly on this though, because at BD people get a big wake up call, but then they lose steam (see my "LBS Script on my thread), so make sure you get the most out of this rock bottom you can.

That is all