THIS is what I would constantly ask in my thread? How will she ever come back? When you drop the rope and are detached she may. Oh, so I guess I need to detach. Nope.
Detaching is not a guarantee of anything happening to or with ww. What I had to learn is if you're still in a place of wondering how or when ww could be re attracted to you, you are not able to detach fully yet.
IMO it only comes when you realize you will be ok either way and accept that. Until u can or do, you'll always have one hand on the rope and be temp checking whether you mean to or not.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
There's a lot of gray area in between "daily, make-you-nuts spying" and "flying blind without instruments."
Starsky, I think I will move forward with once a month strategy because last time I checked, I was distracted all day in the "make-you-nuts" vein. I think I will wait some more to check because I haven't had any breakthroughs with STBX in a while.
Sandi, Thanks for stopping by my thread. I had hoped you would visit again because I know you have a invaluable perspective. I'm curious what you think the proper response to a wayward initiating physical contact, say a hug, should be.
Ripken, I think you're right on letting STBX come to me. I just worry that I might be too dense and methodical to miss my opportunity. Of course, I think its foolhardy to think that there will suddenly be that magical. a-ha moment.
NDY, Hijack away. The vets are here for the betterment of all.
Journaling: Another great day. Work was relatively straight forward. Got home and went for a jog. Then I did some serious gardening on the patio, with the goal of clearing out some space for a butterfly garden for D4. Then, I headed out to do some shopping and errands.
STBX did send me two texts today.
W:I'm really missing you. W:I was telling the (funny story of mine) story today. It made me smile.
I didn't reply. I did text to talk with kids a few hours later. STBX said she was at a work conference and to call MIL, who was with the kids. So I did.
I'm starting to think about my next in person interaction with STBX for Thursday. I'm a little anxious because Thursday is my birthday and I'm afraid STBX could get emotional when dropping off the kids that night. Just wondering what the appropriate response might be.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Just before 10pm, STBX called and left a voicemail. She had just finished with her work conference.
"I just wanted to get a chance to talk to you. I thought it would be a good opportunity, but obviously you're not available."
She mentioned something about her in laws watching the kids. I dunno know why this matters, unless she wanted to talk in person. Oh well. I guess it'll have to wait until Thursday.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
I wasn't wayward but I know a lot of us women want what we can't have.
I think right now you need to continue to play it cool and keep it to kid only interactions. Don't backslide with her trying to make sure you're still on the hook.
Let her continue to miss you, the best version of you!
Thanks ladies (and Fogg)! Was it that obvious that I needed a vote of confidence right now? I appreciate it greatly!! I'm just trying to stay focused and consistent. So far, so good...
Originally Posted By: Toots
Do you have nice birthday plans??
Nothing too major. I have the kiddos for my birthday and the weekend (Thurs-Sat). I bought the kids and I a nice steak for the grill so that I have something to be busy with when STBX drops off the kids on Thursday night. On Friday, D4 and I will probably have a movie night and camp out downstairs. On Saturday, the kids and I will spend the night at my best friend's house. His wife has agreed to watch the kids so that some of my pals and I can go out that night. I'm thinking about dragging the guys to a minor league baseball game or something. Still working out the kinks
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Not to detach just to win her affections back ... you would be defeating the purpose of cutting the string and constantly picking it up to see if there is a nibble right? We call this Temp Checking
I call it "pulling up the carrots to see if they're ripe yet."
Enjoy your birthday weekend! It sounds like you will definitely have fun.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I'm curious what you think the proper response to a wayward initiating physical contact, say a hug, should be.
Never let down your guard. Never think it may be more than what it is. (By "never", I mean as long as she is wayward). I would say to pretend she's a little old lady giving you a hug. You know how you would respond to an elderly grandma's hug. Maybe that will keep you in check.
I am always suspicious of a WW suddenly becoming so friendly with LBH. Most newcomers want to read more into it, when actually it doesn't mean the WW is wanting to R. There are various reasons a WW does this, but rarely is it with the intent of R. When she is authentic about reconciling, it will probably be a slower, and maybe even a more humble approach.
In my WW thread, I talked about the subject of detaching and reattracting the WW. I mean no offense, but I have noticed in past times, people who resist DB detaching and says it doesn't work.......or say it is making matters worse, really have a tough time letting the WS go. Detaching is two-fold. It is primarily for the LBS, but it also has a certain amount of drawing power to the WAS. The LBH has to let her go, first. That has to be what she sees and believes. Yes, she may play every trick in the book to show she can still pull the emotional and sexual strings of the LBH, but it is a test. If he doesn't cave, and stays cool, calm, collected, and in charge.......he passes. She'll act pi$$ed about it, but he passes, and she will want him even more.
Some women are immediately drawn to the H who detaches, and some have to have a good bit of time before they begin getting interested. But as long as he clings to her, waiting around for her waywardness to leave, tolerating her disrespect, trying to be her BFF, etc., I don't believe he will have much more than a limbo relationship with her.
Are there guarantees DBing? A lot of guys have asked this question. Did you have a guarantee she would ever go a date or marry you......before you took the plunge to ask? Do we have anything in life that is a guarantee? There are some differences of opinions in some areas in DBing, but one of the first things Michele teaches is about detaching. The problem for most people is they misunderstand the concept. That, and they are too afraid of it.
No book or program can give guarantees, b/c people are going to mess up. They will do things in the wrong time frame, wait too late before finally doing what should have been done first thing, etc. (Look at how many people will not take the advice they get, then come back and want help getting out of a worse mess). And then there is the wayward, who is in rebellion, so no........nothing is guaranteed.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
