I was reading through one of your threads yesterday and appreciated your perseverance and courage! Your feedback is great.
If you ask him about his last marriage, it was dead after 12 years and yes he had plenty of affairs. He had been in therapy for a number of years and they went to marriage counseling together, which he says didn't work (hence his resistance now). When I met him he was separated from his wife and they had very little contact, but of course this was in the days of no email, cell phones, and long distance charges. He would say that when he met me he decided "enough is enough" and "this is different." So we continued our relationship and then a year later he officially asked for a divorce.
I have never suspected him of having an affair before. He has been very loyal. But he felt like I didn't respect him or even like him over the last few years and that we had grown apart. So when this woman entered the picture that really did so many of the things I did for him originally - and he will tell you that this is about him and a need he has that he isn't sure how to fill. It isn't about me or about her, although he has also said that he doesn't "know if he can get back to where we were." He "cares about me very much." Yeah - all things I really love to hear.
He can be very attentive, supportive, loving. He's a great father, a wonderful cook, and excellent at his profession. But he has a lot of baggage from when he was younger and really has self-worth issues among other things. When we agreed to have a child after 17 years of marriage (something that took a miracle given he had been treated for prostate cancer, a 25 year old vasectomy and was 60 at the time while I was 39), we agreed that he would retire and take care of our son. While he adores our son and is great with him, he needs more to be fulfilled which I am supportive of. But in those last 6 years, he has become financially dependent on my income (just like a stay at home mom would) and I think it is just too much on an already low self-esteem. He has been working in a field steadily increasing his work load over time, but still can't support himself. So part of his resistance to making a decision is around the fact that (a) he can't do it on his own and (b) we have a nice life that would definitely change for both of us and, importantly, for our son.
Because of the impact of his recurring advanced prostate cancer, I honestly don't think there is a full blown PA going on, but I do think there has been physical intimacy of some kind. I just don't have much proof and he isn't admitting anything.
Also since he has such a poor self-image, I feel like the more I create distance by sleeping apart and rejecting or withholding all affection, the more it confirms that she will give him what he needs while I will not. Given that is a complaint I received in the past, he wouldn't complain at this point, but would internalize the impact.
You are right that he wants to maintain the status quo. In earlier discussions he sent me a link about co-habitating after the divorce and why it is a good idea. Ug! He is also the kind of person who will do the opposite of what you want if pushed into a corner. I'll check out Diffrent's thread for more details.
This is incredibly hard; you are right. I am so sad to be here, but am reaching the detached phase which I have needed. I have barely functioned at work for a month and have lost about 15 pounds. The numbness feels good when I get it. Trusting the process feels easier than the alternative right now. Although I don't know if I want to continue to be married to someone who is so needy and is very unlikely to change, I don't know that I want to do this to our S and start over at 45 while paying him a good chunk of my now limited salary for the rest of his life. Trying to trust and be patient (and I am one of those fix-it people!). Thanks for the encouragement!!
