Hi All, I'm a 39 year old married male. My wife & I met 19 years ago & fell madly in love. We married 13 years ago and had an amazing relationship up until Sept 2014. It first started in July'14 when I began too notice she was pulling away & becoming distant. She was not interested in having sex with me & just seemed unhappy in general. I kept asking if everything was OK & she kept telling me it was, however in Sept '14 she finally came out & told me that she wasn't in love with me anymore, or should I say she loved me but had lost all intimate feelings towards me. Like many others we had a great sex life to start with & even up until May or June of last year we would engage 1 or 2 times a week. Now we haven't been " truly intimate" since Sept 2014.
She agreed to go see a counsellor on her own & began doing so in Oct. but it didn't seem that she was making progress. At the start of Jan '15 I offered to start going with her, which we did, but after just one couples session she said she had "no hope" & thought that "counselling was just a means to an end."
Then at the end of Jan '15 I found out she was having an affair with someone from her past. She says it wasn't a physical affair but an emotional one, all intimate acts were done through texting etc. She said it had been going on since Nov '14. As soon as I found out about it I asked her to leave. She promised that she would never communicate with this person again but agreed that some time apart may help. She also told me that 'he' was not the reason for the change in her feelings, that the change came about before she started communicating with him. She said her confusion caused her to reach out & in doing so she found an emotional connection with him.
After she left we still had daily communication & even saw each other on a weekly basis for a few hours at a time, but things were definitely strained. She spent some weekends back home (in a different town) at her parents place, which also happens to be where this other person lives, BUT she's told me over & over again that she's never seen him & never communicated with him. We lived apart for about 2 months & had planned on keeping it that way. However, one night in March after she returned from a weekend stay back home we decided to get together for dinner, long story short, I found out that she had communicated with 'him' again & I lost my mind. We had an all out yelling match, which is an EXTREME rarity for me. By the end of the blow out she was begging me to let her come home & was scared that we were finished for good. She said it was the first time she had communicated with him since Jan. After I calmed down & we had a real heart to heart talk I agreed to let her move back in. Things actually seemed better, immediately we were laughing more, things seemed a little more at ease, we began seeing a different couples counsellor(we still are)and things slowly began to progress in the intimacy dept. By "progress" I mean some kissing & cuddling. In March she went home again, it was a trip she had booked before we agreed to move back in together. When she returned I found a map to his place on her phone, she swears she just drove by his place, nothing more. Once again she begged me to forgive her, swore she hadn't communicated with him or seen him. She said if she was talking with him why wouldn't he have simply given her directions, why would she need a map? She said she's not sure why she felt inclined to drive by & that it was simply a dumb mistake.Once again I forgave her for her "mistake" & once again her affection towards me seemed to increase. Another 2 months has past & I am trying to get over all the secrets & lies, but I have to admit I'm still struggling. We are still at the same stage in the bedroom which is kissing & snuggling, but that's as far as she's willing to go. She says she worries that if we try anything & things don't go well it'll just make our relationship worse. She worries she's not going to feel what she's suppose to feel. I think she's already convinced herself that whatever we try will end up being a total disaster. I'm not sure how she can overcome these concerns & I question whether she really wants too? Sometimes I wonder if she would keep things exactly as they currently are if she could. She is constantly telling me how much she loves me & that she can't imagine her life without me, but she's not sure how or if she can get those feelings back that will allow her to take things further. She also says she still has sexual feelings & sex still interests her, so I assume it's not low libido.
My questions are: (a) am I a fool for believing her & accepting that she's been/being faithful (b)Is there anything we can try to help her get over her insecurities, or is it likely she doesn't want too? (c) is it odd that her affection level increases (even temporarily) after we have a blow out?
Thanks for listening to my rant & thanks in advance for any and all advice!!
