RD Movin on 7

[rd500]

Hi Toots she's not entitled to anything as she was a director of my company for 15 years I really am stunned and if she got caught it would be unreal as she works in place known by the whole area and word would spread. I sometimes wonder if she is trying to engineer her own destruction ( subconsciously ). she often tells me things about her job that if I was bad minded , I could get the pace closed by revenue in a heart beat.

Each day seems to bring more surprises And not good ones.

Take care. Rd

[SunnyB]

Wow, RD, she's put you in a really awkward position. She's committed a crime and now you know about it. We can use other words to describe what she did, but it was illegal. And she sucked you into it just by telling you. Is there a way she can repay the money and come clean to her employer?

I do feel sorry for her that she felt so much pressure she came to that. But you've been offering money all along, she didn't have to stoop to that.

This is tricky. I wish you wisdom and patience RD.

[Pink17]

Hi RD,

In my humble opinion, I think that this could end up on your kids's face and their lives too. So I would sit with her and talk about some things that may not be DBing, but are very important to have it resolved.

It's upsetting what is happening, but she needs to have some reality check and have some respect for her children in the first place. I think you do not need to go hard on her because you know it is not going to resolve anything.

Maybe you need to think hard of how to do this and how to get it across that she will understand you don't want things to get ugly. That even being separated, her actions and behavior can damage your life and her kid's life.

By other hand, I think that if she does not want any help directly from you, it may be possible to involve S20 on that. He is a big boy and probably understands a million % more then you think. Maybe he can talk to her, give some cash and say that she needs to accept this, that he does not accept no for an answer.

You guys could also get some groceries and drop off at her place. Lets say you can load the pantry, the freezer, whatever.

Now, you may say. So now I need to buy stuff and give to her so she will share with OM and his sister? It's possible, but there is where you may do all this and in the same time talk to her and let her know some boundaries, even if it is her own life.

There is also a question that she may be using money to buy week and sometimes it can get expensive (at least here, it depends how much you use.

Besides all this, resolve this issue is just on drop of rain in the middle of a huge storm. She is sick and with the terrible MLC, she is depressed and probably is dealing with anxiety.

Is it your problem? No, of course not. But she is the mother of your children, she has been married to you for 24 years and besides all the above, you love her, still loves her.

So do what is right and won't leave any more wounds in your heart. You will feel better helping her, even if indirectly, then regret it once she does something bigger and worse.

By the way, you said you had a good R with your sister in law, maybe it is time to have some heart to heart talk and let her know how worried you are with you W. How things are going and that you fear for her sanity, well being and her life at some point.

It's obvious your W needs help, a very concrete help that will take her out of this horrible depression nightmare.

Like I said, this is my opinion and it is a very hard situation for you. Maybe you will need to question your heart and find out what and how much you live with tomorrow.

I don't know if you share stuff with your kids (as you know, I do), each person have their own opinion about this. But, if you do, or if you think would help, talk to S20 and see his view about his mom.

He is the older son and he has a say about what she is doing, even if she does not want to hear it, he has the right to tell her the way it is. Again, I do not know your kids, and I do not know if he would be willing to face it.

Things will get better one day RD but right now you will need to look for other people's help. It is becoming too big for RD to think it is just about OM, there is a lot more to it.

Please, fell free to disagree with me (I'm not Toots, so no need to agree with it), I don't know your family and maybe it is not the right approach.

Just know that whatever you decide, we will be here for you and hold you tight so it does not hurt much. Best of luck RD.

Have some rest my friend, you will need it.
Pink

[rd500]

Thanks Pink. I'm a bit stunned to be honest. I'll have to have a think. Your idea about a sit own talk is probably the best one and maybe a call to SIL.

SunnyB. I won't go into details re her work because it is so well known but if it came out the whole area would know Also the type of place it is , this is like the worst thing that anyone could do to the place and even if she did admit it she would lose her position and she loves the place

Thanks for posting ladies Take care Rd

[Pink17]

Hi RD,

Just would like to remind you that the storm won't last forever. Hope you are coping OK with all the last issues. It is very hard to have you life so upside down, but as you say and keep me so optimistic, it's one day at a time and things will get better.

RD, I actually meant everything I said, your W seems like a bigger problem then just "I don't love you anymore". That's why I think it is important to do all you can to help her to get out of this nightmare. You will feel better later and you are showing your kids how much respect you have for their mom.

I feel very sorry for her, I feel that she got lost and maybe it is even possible that this people have been using her. I don't mean that she is stupid or something similar. I just mean that there are people out there that will approach the ones that are more vulnerable and in a way more receptive.

This guy and his sister may be just friends, but there is always the possibility that he was such "poor me" guy just to take something from her "like money for example".

IDK if it is the case, but we see so much S**t going on in the world that it is best to always be extra careful. So, I am happy you will put some tough about talking to her or bringing someone that can make her open up about this friendship she has with this people.

You said that she was a loving person, mom and wife and now she is all depressed, insecure, anxious, very auto destructive. Something happen there that she became this way and it does not seem like she has another R, at this point she wouldn't be behaving so needy anymore.

Please, search your heart and bend the rules a little bit, it can make a big difference for you and your kids.

Hope you have a better day sweet RD, hang in there. I will be thinking of you and will pray that God gives you wisdom to resolve this issue with grace and patience.

By the way, talking about bacon, yesterday I made salmon rolled up with bacon, beer batter cod fish, potato fries, corn, tomatoes and French bread, the kids love it.

Take care... {{{{{{{{RD}}}}}}}}}
Pink

[Sotto]

Hi RD, I think those are good suggestions from Pink. Your W really sounds lost just now. And I agree that it may be best for her to just go back to her employer, confess, apologise and return the money. Only you can decide if you can live with knowing what has happened and not doing anything about it. If it were one of your kids, I imagine you would be marching off down there with them to return the money. I appreciate she's your W and that's different - but I'm just saying...


For now, I would purely try and see her as the mother of your kids and try to do the best thing from that perspective. Are there any further options that may assist financially? Does she actually have enough funds to live on but isn't managing them very well??

Hope things improve for you soon RD xx

[Cristy]

Hi RD500,

I am sorry for the situation you are in. It sounds like you have an amazing support network here in the online community. I must say that the information your W shared regarding the stealing is a really big deal! The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how proceed in a positive way. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Pink17]

Hi RD,

Worried about you today. People say no news, no bad news. But in this board sometimes no news means trouble.

Hope everything is OK with you, the kids and your W. There are moments in life that we need to be strong and hold the pace to get things done the right and positive way.

It's a hard task, much more when you were not asking for it. I hope you can hold on and take it slowly. Things will eventually settle, but for now RD needs to be strong for everyone around him.

I know you can RD, you showed a lot of strength and grace throughout this time. You are probably tired and the emotional fatigue may get to you time to time. I am thinking about you and sending you all the good thoughts.

I am so sorry you need to stand strong and resolve so much, but that is life and sometimes it is not much fun. Remember that after the big storm the sun will shine again and everything can be rebuilt.

Thinking of you... {{{{{{{{{{RD}}}}}}}}}}

Pink

[rd500]

Thanks Pink. I really appreciate your positive thoughts I think your right that this is about more than OM I Had a word with EXW a few minutes ago about the money issue and she got very upset and said I was making her feel worse and she wishes she hadn't told me I explained that I understood she was in a bad ace and I was t judging her but concern that she wasn't realising the consequences of her actions if it came out. She was a bit calmer but was crying saying she would never do it again. It was only a very small amount of money and I believe she won't do it again.

I did as you suggested Pink and told her I was here for her and I was worried about her actions and that she was making choices that maybe wernt the always the best for her
She agreed and said she knew that she wasn't thinking straight sometimes


She then told me she was trying to find herself and that she hadn't found whatever that was and she wasn't sure she ever would. She ten started to say that she wished she had realised earlier that she was unhappy and wished i t hadn't got to this stage She said she was 48 years old and didn't see much of a future

I said perhaps she needed help from an I/C to see what she wanted from life to which she said maybe. She then told me that she was very unhappy and felt she was being a very bad mother and she needed to help pay for the kids upbringing
I told her that was for future and to worry about herself

I realise that I may need 2 x 4s however I have accepted that the M is over so I don't need to worry about pursuing.

EXW then asked me if I was happy. I said I was ok and just focused on the kids at the moment. She said she wasn't really happy and started crying. I said that if she wasn't happy she needed to remove the unhappy things in her life. EXW said do you mean my friends ? I said yes. She then said she felt she was help her friends as they needed help. We both new we were talking about OM. She said OM was just a friend and nothing more. I told her it wasn't my business and did not want to know anything about her friends

EXW then went on t say if she was still at home she could have used her wages as a holiday fund and we could have had two or three holidays a year She went on to say if I had helped out with the kids a few times when they were younger
It would have made all the difference I just validated

EXW went to say L/C told her she needed to hit rock bottom to see how she felt and some people need to do that. Again I just validated

i felt that EXW actually listened to my opinion today. I'm not saying she agreed but she did listen I hope for her sake she is coming out of the fog and she can find happiness again

Thanks for reading and take care. Rd

[Vanilla]

Hi ladies.

EXW text this morning to ask if she could visit. When she got here she seemed very upset and started a conversation about how we were both to blame for where we are.

RD maybe but not necessarily in equal portions and who is responsible for staying there?


I just validated and W said she had made a lot of mistakes last year and regretted them. I told her last year was last year and I didn't give it time or thought. She hugged me and I told her was important to me and we would be happy again one day.

I have absolute confidence that this holds for RD.

Then EXW told me she had stolen money from work as she couldn't survive !!!! This completely stunned me as this is so out of character it's unreal. I told EXW that she should not be doing it but almost as importantly she shouldn't be telling anyone.

RD she did and she has. That bell can not be unrung and the bridge is crossed and burned. Boundary RD, you should not want to know if this happens again.

She started crying again and said she couldn't believe she had some it and was ashamed.

But she did and her conscience and her decision. Her feelings to manage.


I told her that she would come to me if things got that desperate.

RD these are WW choices let her take the consequence of them. Let her fall it may be that which she needs to wake up. Tough love here RD. if your WW was gambling, drinking hard or a spendaholic would you do this. If she is funding that awful scuzz bucket OM with this to keep him sweet on her? Soft daft loving RD, I think the absolute world of you, but just now I want to wake you up and remove your blindfold. If WW can't afford food, rent and essentials but has compulsions then you may be enabling her to continue her lifestyle. I know that by keep providing for my H that's what I did, I enabled and only by stopping can WW wake up to her responsibilities.

Maybe I'm being to nice but what am I supposed to do ??

Do absolutely nothing but validate. "I can see that life is hard WW. I can't be party to criminal activity so please keep that info to yourself. Now would you like a cup of tea"

Just posting my thoughts. Take care all. Rd

Thanks Pink. I really appreciate your positive thoughts I think your right that this is about more than OM

And weed and alcohol........

I had a word with EXW a few minutes ago about the money issue and she got very upset and said I was making her feel worse and she wishes she hadn't told me.

She did. The milk is spilled and spoiled.

I explained that I understood she was in a bad place and I wasn't judging her but concern that she wasn't realising the consequences of her actions if it came out.

Dont mention it again otherwise you are judging. Her actions, her responsibilities by telling you she is trying to lift that burden.

She was a bit calmer but was crying saying she would never do it again. It was only a very small amount of money and I believe she won't do it again.

Her choice RD. 100% guideline. Whether you believe her or no is really irrelevant so let go of expectations.

I did as you suggested Pink and told her I was here for her and I was worried about her actions and that she was making choices that maybe wernt the always the best for her
She agreed and said she knew that she wasn't thinking straight sometimes.

That is her path RD. Let go.

She then told me she was trying to find herself and that she hadn't found whatever that was and she wasn't sure she ever would.

Her belief RD, just thinking makes it so.

She then started to say that she wished she had realised earlier that she was unhappy and wished it hadn't got to this stage.

If wishes were fishes!

She said she was 48 years old and didn't see much of a future.

I can see why, she'd think that.

I said perhaps she needed help from an I/C to see what she wanted from life to which she said maybe. She then told me that she was very unhappy and felt she was being a very bad mother and she needed to help pay for the kids upbringing.
I told her that was for future and to worry about herself.

Great answer RD.

I realise that I may need 2 x 4s however I have accepted that the M is over so I don't need to worry about pursuing.

Sweet heart let go of the outcome. You can DB stand for your M but let go of the outcome.

EXW then asked me if I was happy. I said I was ok and just focused on the kids at the moment. She said she wasn't really happy and started crying. I said that if she wasn't happy she needed to remove the unhappy things in her life. EXW said do you mean my friends ? I said yes. She then said she felt she was help her friends as they needed help. We both new we were talking about OM. She said OM was just a friend and nothing more. I told her it wasn't my business and did not want to know anything about her friends.

I am loving this RD, you are right and WW is fooling herself. please let go and let her walk her own path with her EA.

EXW then went on t say if she was still at home she could have used her wages as a holiday fund and we could have had two or three holidays a year She went on to say if I had helped out with the kids a few times when they were younger it would have made all the difference

Maybe it would, may be it wouldn't.

I just validated.

Proud of you RD.

EXW went to say L/C told her she needed to hit rock bottom to see how she felt and some people need to do that.

Maybe. If that's what is needed RD let that happen.

Again I just validated

Absolutely RD.

i felt that EXW actually listened to my opinion today. I'm not saying she agreed but she did listen. I hope for her sake she is coming out of the fog and she can find happiness again.

Let her tread her own path.

Thanks for reading and take care. Rd

I think the world of you RD. Please let WW walk her own path, and no prolonging the point of realisation. Tough love as the resources you give her are diverted to helping her 'friends'. Do you really want that? Think Dobson's tough love.

V