Personally, I am embarrassed for 25 years the way she handled the Facebook exposure on the high school page SHE administered. Had that have been me and my wife, we'd have been standing up publicly for the betrayed wife and deleting any negative comments directed towards her. Also, this story is an single annotated anecdotal story of one single exposure. I've seen 100's of stories that vary tremendously (still anecdotal...this is the internet). Despite 25 years version of the story, I'm betting the betrayed wife doesn't regret doing it for one second. She knows who her friends are and those or any that stood up for the wayward spouse have revealed themselves. I highly doubt she cares. It's not like she's counting on attending her future high school reunions with her wayward husband dragging around some OW.
Remember perspectives matter here. If I recall right, 25years had a emotional affair on her husband many years before that she's never disclosed or revealed to her husband and she had several affairs after they separated (her husband abandoned her so I may empathize a bit; but, I also understand her not wanting to run around town talking about/exposing her behavior). Her feelings about exposure should be understood in that light.
As far as exposed affair partners coming together closer in the face of exposure. That's generally to be expected, short term. Like I said before, they cling in recluse'd chaos because "no one understands their love" and everyone is being all "judgy" instead of continuing to run around town in adulterous bliss like a couple of lovesick oblivious teenagers. Prying judgmental eyes will be upon them at every turn or, at least, that's how THEY will perceive it. Affairs are built upon a foundation of manure...when you expose them...they mire into themselves and the relationship founders and decomposes away. No matter what they do...they can't polish a cow chip.
If no one cares about the exposure then why would the wayward couple shouldn't care at all, no loss no gain either way. It's a marriage and sanity saving technique, not magic. However, it IS authentic. It's ACTUALLY standing up for your marriage and actively opposing the affair partner versus passive aggressively "standing" there waiting for the affair partner to dump your wife and her come running back to you. But, more often than not, the waywards get super upset because it DOES matter to them. Certainly everyone isn't going to care. It only takes one or a few to make a difference. My wife had Christian women friends confront her and then disassociate with her for quite awhile. In recovery, and in our position with the marriage ministry at our church, we've found ourselves faced with confronting many way wards that we never would have known about unless someone talked somewhere. Church discipline is an interesting lesson in biblical exposure for Christians that, if you happen to be one and your (or OM's) church is worth it's salt, you may consider. Especially if they/he is still attending a church.
IMO, It's also not about shaming anyone. Mere communications about the events occurring in your life and asking for prayers is NOT the shameful behavior. Having an affair is. If your (or any) wayward spouse FEELS shame, then it's a result of their hurtful choices and sinful behavior. The decision to expose it and ask for prayers and loving support for BOTH OF YOU, in itself, is NOT a hurtful wrong behavior. It may FEEL that way to them but it's really an act of (tough) love. An act of TRYING to save your spouse from making the biggest mistake of her life that she will (not may), one way or another, deeply regret someday.
Exposure is also a db concept. Cadet bumped the thread recently where MWD stated she was primarily concerned with exposure backfiring and making recovery very difficult. A risk analysis should be performed prior to considering using the technique. MWD didn't rule out the concept entirely but stated it should only be applied after thoughtful consideration of the risks. Here, NDY's wife has exposed herself. Anything he exposes, especially on OM"s side of the equation can be brushed off as, "oops, I was just asking for prayers and I thought you guys already told everyone". I can't see how this or any exposure in his situation would impair any possible future recovery.
I just don't get the constant resistance to such an easy concept that has been practiced for 1000's of years. Exposing evil (behavior) to the light of day is good, proper, decent and protective behavior. Being "above it" sounds to me like enabling behavior. A coping mechanism in relation to the fear of the unknown practiced by the conflict avoident. OM and NDY's wife could care less if NDY thinks, acts or believes himself to be superior and above OM, they just appreciate that he's not making waves or interrupting their time together.
Final thought on exposure. Everybody doesn't have to do it. I'm just discussing strategies and db techniques here. I think that it's easier to actually detach once you exhaust all authentic options trying to save your marriage and you can THEN sit back detached having your wayward spouse know exactly what you want and where you stand.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
