So what to do? I don't know. They say detach, not act as if you are detached. But how to detach? Reading the detached thread isn't much help.
I'm sorry. We do the best we can at the time. I certainly didn't handle things perfectly. I did what many say can't be done, I "loved my wife back to the marriage". I don't think I could have done that if OM lived in town and she was going out all night with him on a regular or even occasional basis. I was "lucky", OM lived far away. They were still talking on a regular basis but the more time I spend with my wife the less time she had to electronically communicate with him. So my simply just sticking around her talking to her and LISTENING for hours on end (in a detached manner) ended up disrupting their affair.
My detachment was from the result. I was going to be OK either way. I prayed for guidance to do what I could to save my marriage and accept those things that were beyond my control or influence and be OK with whatever God's plan was for me. I TRIED to look at it as saving my wife from destroying herself. Adultery is self destructive. I didn't want my children to lose their mother.
How to go after OM? You mentioned in your thread you thought you had ways to pressure or lean on him so that's why I said that. Your wife already exposed herself to everyone so I don't see how "exposure" is that much of a problem for any potential recovery since your wife did it herself, so consistent with Michelle Weiner Davis's risk analysis regarding the pro's and con's of exposure I'd say you wouldn't be risking much if you merely Facebook messaged individually every single one of OM's list of Facebook friends and OM's family informing them that OM is having an illicit adulterous relationship with your wife, you still love your wife and want her to come home to you and your family and asking for them to pray for you and your family and to use any influence they may have with OM to ask him to discontinue his destructive behavior that is hurting your family.
You never know who in OM's family and friends will care but often, somewhere in there lurks a betrayed spouse with just enough vinegar in them to speak up and speak out and make OM FEEL bad about what he's doing. MOST won't care, but that's not your problem. You've just complicated OM's life and made his relationship with your wife much harder. If he's having any second thoughts this may be the breaking point as not only will he be irate but your wife will as well. Anyone that knows surely has been told that your marriage is and has been over for a very long time. That you are or were separated. That an amicable divorce is coming and no one is cheating on anything or anyone. OM's parents likely don't know and even if they don't care....your wife and OM won't like WONDERING how they are secretly being perceived by others. They then continue the affair in secret and in recluse, clinging to each other in chaos versus holding each other in disgusting adulterous bliss.
Any strategy like this is LIKELY to result in her actually following through with filing divorce. So what. She'll be filing to save her affair and the image of her affair which is already crumbling down around her. If you are successful "killing" the affair, maybe you get a shot. If not, maybe you end up divorced. It'll be OK FOR YOU either way and what's likely to happen is going to happen that way whether you wait a year trying to detach and living together or not. I prefer to speed up the timeline with action versus just waiting for something to change. I don't see positive change as her cooking you a meal or just being nice to you. It's more tolerable but until he affair is over (or even MOSTLY over) it's not enough progress to jump up and down about.
Other opinions will vary. Remember, we are all just novices here...including me.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
