Heartbreak Warfare

[V2pt0]

Zues, you are right I have not been journaling about what I am working on and changes I am making. They are happening though and I feel I am making great strides. The reality right now is that regardless of what I am doing right now, H is unlikely to notice if he is in the throws of A in MY personal space. Or if he is noticing (more likely), he is still thinking I am not living up to his ideals. One of his issues has been conversation/ disengagement from me. We have been having 3-4 hour light conversations at a time and he says it is still hard for him to start conversation with me?? Probably because he wants and is able to have emotionally in depth convos with OW. We are not at a stage to have those kinds of talks, so he thinks the problem is still me.

Regarding sex, I have readily admitted that I could have and should have made more effort with regard to this particular aspect of our M. I have shared this with H. I have no problem admitting my faults and failures in our M. I am reading SSM by MWD as well as figuring out my own sexual needs and turn-ons. There are a number of things I now realize I could have done to make an effort. I have validated multiple times over past few weeks the extreme loneliness and hurt that I have caused in this regard. I have tried to be more empathic and compassionate to H about why he resorted to A while at the same time saying it was not the right answer. Maybe had I done this H would have given more of what I needed. Or maybe he would have continued to focus purely on his needs. I also think I am trying to focus on too many changes at once. My primary focus though as been on engagement, conversation, and anger management as those are actions that I can work on that H will see. Given that we are completely non-physical and H has expressed he has no desire and getting elsewhere, it seems hard to take action versus words in this area. What suggestions do you have for this?

I will not accept 100% blame for where our M is and we will have no R until my H can also recognize his part in all of this. My point is that until his is done with A, he never get to the stage to looking in mirror.