Heartbreak Warfare

[Zues126]

When you first started this site I encouragaed you to spend 30 minutes a day digging in to how men felt in a sex starved marriage. I said you severely underestimated the devestation it caused and your role in it.

I have COMBED every post you've made since looking for signs of what you would've done differently in your M to have fixed this issue BY YOURSELF...yet I haven't seen this, and instead you are reverting to blaming it on your H's behavior and remarking that HIS next relationship will fail. Meanwhile, while you are on a DB site and happen to be the LBS, you aren't meeting this head on any more than he is (assuming he isn't reflecting and growing more than you give him credit for).

You say it's a two way street and he doesn't see the who picture. This is what people tell themselves when they feel the other person is wrong. What if it was a one way street, your H's version of reality was true to him every bit as much as the words you type are true to you? You can pin this on him not "wooing" you, but in his reality it looks much, much different. For him he had a need not being met that made his life feel unlivable. This was his QUEST in life, to try to understand how to communicate that need, or placate your demands, or whatever...he was trying to solve the puzzle and get his needs met because he loved you and this was all he needed to be happily married. He pursued the answer of 'what do I have to do to be worthy of love from my partner' for many years, and finally decided that it was YOU that wasn't going to allow him to win. So despite his love for you, your lives together, and the pain of the divorce, he HAD to walk away from a game that he couldn't win and that left him feeling hopeless and miserable EVERY NIGHT for YEARS.

That you understand this was hard for him but he just didn't go about it right, for you to pretend to understand what he went through when you go threads at a time not addressing your role in the breakdown of the sex life, how this affected him, or what YOU would've done differently...this just shows that you are glossing over this by 100%. I'm sure you don't feel that way, in your mind you have realized this and made changes. OK- let me ask- if you were in the same M with your H again, and he made no changes- could YOU by YOURSELF have changed the dynamic of the M? If not, why would you think YOUR next R would be any different?

You have been working hard to detach, set boundaries, and manage through the craziness that is an A. It's very, very hard. Now take him and his problems off the table and go back to you 100%.