Heartbreak Warfare

[V2pt0]

Job, interesting that you bring up authority figure. I often felt as though I was having to be more like a mother to my H than a wife. I focused on all of the responsibilities of a marriage and a household while he primarily focused on his needs and school. He never had to worry about paying the bills, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. so he didn't appreciate the stresses on me while he was in school.

Another interesting thought that has come up last night is in regard to sex. My H clearly took a hit on his self-esteem because of my lack of desire and interest in sex. He said he felt something was wrong with him and the OW helped him realize he was not broken. I get that and wish would have done things to fix this and I told H this. But my H is also only looking at this from one angle and not seeing the whole picture or that this is a two way street. He is only focusing on how his needs were not meet in our physical relationship. He is now using A to avoid looking in the mirror for self reflection and awareness.

The problem is that my H seems to think is that my lack of desire was based on how he looked, finding him sexy, etc, which has never been the case. What is he failing to understand is there are other components of emotional connection and making someone feel desireable. Sure the OW is going to respond because he is likely wooing her, making her feel special, complimenting her, emotionally connecting, etc. H stopped doing those things with me. Instead my light was dimmed through this and the ho hum life of being a wife and care taker. Maybe if he had continue to treat me as a lover my desire would have stayed closer to the surface. I don't know how many times I told H I would like him to be more romantic like he used to be when we first met. I even gave him specifics and he opted to not follow through, so again as with everything this is a 50/50 issue.

Unfortunately, it is this lack of self reflection and working on his own issues that will put my H right back in the same position with OW or next R. My H has recently said that he is also to blame for where we are. Yet, I have not heard him give one concrete example of how. He is just not there yet and won't be until the A is done. I don't want hom back until he goes through this process.