gan 7 - Ants Marching

[gan]

A post...in celebration (?) of the 1-year anniversary since H moved out. H can now file.

Been an interesting start to the week (in gan's world anyway) :

1. Monday night GAL with new Meetup BFF. She's on a similar journey, having separated from her H about 6 months ago...though she has no plans to save that M (affair was deal breaker for her). I think we will have some fun GALing in the city. Today we shared text tales of hosiery malfunctions...

2. Just participated in my first non-violent communication practice group meeting. For those following the "riveting tales of gan" I read the book a while ago and recommended people here might like to check out the videos by Rosenburg on Youtube. He uses jackal and giraffe hand puppets to demonstrate "violent" and "non-violent" approaches to communication. The founding premise is that we all have needs that are the same regardless of culture, gender etc (e.g. to be connected, to be safe, to be appreciated). When these needs are being met we feel certain feelings (like happiness, excitement); when they aren't being met we have different feelings (like sadness, hopelessness, frustration). These serve as common ground - a way to connect with others.

Tonight we practiced listening with empathy. In NVC, you listen and make guesses about how the other person might be feeling and what needs are being unmet. Not important whether you get it right or wrong; by taking a guess, it give's the person an opportunity to clarify and for you to better understand. It looks like this:

A (experienced NVC practitioner): So tell us a little about what is going on with you at the moment, B.
B (novice): I'm feeling a little lost in life, just broke up with my BF, not sure about my career etc etc...
A: Oh, so it sounds like you are overwhelmed because you don't have much clarity about the future?
B (opens up more): Yes! I feel like X, Y, Z....
A: Mmm...so you are lonely and you miss being close to another person?
B: Sort of. I guess I do feel lonely....
etc etc

It was actually really interesting to hear B open up (she got quite emotional). She explained at the end that she felt really good knowing that others could identify with her feelings. She also found it useful to have other people put a label on her feelings.

One thing I found enlightening was just the notion of creating space for the other person. I think in some ways I thought empathy was about relating your own experiences...but that takes the focus off the other person and on to you. I asked the facilitator about this - how do you hold back and just allow the other person to talk rather than jump in with your own experiences and how you felt with it (ahem...Mr(s) Fixit). She made a couple of suggestions which I thought might be useful to people here:

1. Ask yourself what need of MINE am I trying to fill by fixing this;
2. After you've done a little to and fro with guessing at the feelings and needs, if you do see a solution say something like "I've got a strategy that I tried when I was in a similar session. Would you like to hear it?"

Next session is next week. Think I'll pull out the book and videos again for a refresh...