Rebuilding my Castle...

[LoisB]

Thanks Life. I keep thinking, "Could I have done something differently? Did I screw up this opportunity? Have I just messed ip D12's life forever?"

I feel a bit the way I did when Matt left and still struggle with from time-to-time. Did I just screw up my opportunity for happiness. Which, I know, is a bit silly, but it's there.

I know I'd be happier and less stressed without this position. I've known that from the beginning when I began to see how incompatible this company and I are.

I've had a few moments knock on my door this week which I think are key to getting through this situation...

One, there was Bea's remark that I'm still looking for outside validation. I see it in everything I do. I seem to be desperately looking for someone or some job to tell me I'm valuable.

And...I did a feature story this week on a woman who was leaving a Tim McGraw concert and was in a terrible car accident. She lost her ability to walk. She is, remarkably, nicer to be around than she was before the accident. She and her husband get along better. She was a bit of a control freak and the accident made her aware of what is really important.

And...A friend back home...Someone I used to call my best friend...has lost her ability to walk. This is a woman who planned everything. I was always very jealous of how she had a job as a dental hygienist and earned this great money working part-time. She was the wife Matt wished he had.

Anyway, she was diagnosed with MS years ago and we were friends through much of it. We lost touch in the past year. I learned a week ago how she can't walk any longer. She is in a wheelchair. Her husband is alcoholic and a rager.

It's not so much that I'm counting my blessings, although I am...It's more, for me, realizing life rarely turns out as we expect. I had a lot of expectations coming to this job and state. Maybe that's where I need some adjustments. Maybe I need to let go and release the expectations. IDK.