To start in this (it's getting old) sorry tale

[NDY]

Not lecturing you. She was probably happy about this email and information. It might have actually smoothed the transition back into the house for you. If you had told her then you maybe still hoped to reconcile she'd have been even nastier because the last thing she want is to feel guilty every time she looks at you.

^ the conflicting message again. I was advised this would demonstrate detachment. Thanks for the 4x2.

I've only breezed through your thread. You are way down the road from my experience being able to help you much. I certainly don't think the letter I posted and going dark is going to help you one bit at all. Your choices remain either detach and keep your distance and wait for the affair to die it's natural death (while I can't stand limbo you HAVE seen a little progress...every day she's nicer to you, she's seeing you spend time and develop your relationship with your son and just being around you restores a connection to you) or attack and try to undermine the affair. You said you could bother OM and he'd maybe slither away then consider doing it. Marriages can't recover while there is an active affair so being nice to her isn't going to move up the timeline. OM might be beside himself right now that you've moved back in and she is seemingly dragging her feet on filing for a divorce and moving anything forward towards being with him. It might be the perfect opportunity to strike. It'll make her FURIOUS. No addict likes it when you mess with their crackpipe. Her rage will know no bounds but getting the OM to dump your wife and move on to less complicated women is certainly a strategy for saving your marriage. It matters not HOW it ends...only THAT it ends.

How, but within the law?

Personally, I see you are almost a year into this. Changing your strategy drastically at this point is risky. Maybe not messing with OM but just being nice to her and interfering with the affair by simply being a little more cocksure and confident about yourself (and the fact that you are her true soulmate) could not only be attractive but also drive OM a bit bonkers. He's surely got to be suspicious. He KNOWS all about your wife's ability to lie because he saw her lie to you for so long. Surely she'd lie to him as well about why you've moved back home and what that means to their relationship. If you could do this in an detached manner without expectations it might help but realize (just as you realized when you moved back in) that you are presuming the risk that this won't all work out at all and it'll just add up to wasted time that you could have used getting on with your own life. Most of the men I've helped have been ok with this risk. The satisfaction of knowing they did all they could to save their family was worth it. But you've already spent nearly a year....so maybe set a deadline up front where the finish line FOR YOU is. First day of Autumn (equinox), Guy Fawkes Day, Christmas, the New Year at which time if things having changed that perhaps YOU would consider filing and commencing the divorce process yourself.

This. I like this idea. But yes. I need a deadline. I'll need to think about what that is.

Rarely do affairs last more than 2 years. You're already a year into this. Keep detaching and db'ing. If you are kind to her it's not because you are desperate. It's because you know a secret she doesn't know. That you are better than OM. That her relationship with OM is doomed. That's she's coming back whether she wants to or not because you're the catch and you're God's perfect gift for her.

Although I like this, I'm struggling with it big time.

In the alternative, can you fight for and win primary custody in the UK? Seems you'd be the more fit parent for S9. IF she ends up filing on you....consider seeking primary custody. Seeking the undertaking alone sometimes snaps them to attention a bit. Then again, maybe Bob's your uncle and he can do a thing or two about OM or winning primary custody.

It doesn't work like that here. The law is quite straightforward. it'll be 50/50.

Sorry I don't have more. Can't follow multiple situations here. Just don't have the time. Today was an odd day where I was stuck watching over things with nothing to do but this.

I know, you are spread thin but thank you for your time.