if it's too late why is he still here?

[Zues126]

Yeah lost, if I were in your place I'd go one of two directions.

1. Maintain status quo for a specified period of time in my mind, like 3-6 months...but be much more detached and dark. Live as if you were legally separated. GAL like crazy. No more family time. And be prepared to say "I'm not willing to live in an open marriage, I wanted a committed relationship but it's clear you don't, I'll respect your wishes but ask that you respect my need for distance" and just cut it off for good. I wouldn't feel responsible for his surgery, let his text buddies figure that out. I'm only reading this and I'm sick of the cake eating.

2. Decide that you're ready to file a separation and potentially secure your own place. It wouldn't have to be a D, and you could still remain committed to your M in the sense of DBing and keeping the road home smooth...like Sunny (almost used her other name, hehe). She is living separated with STYLE. It can be done. Yes, your H may go buck wild, get nasty, etc, etc...but maybe in a year or two he'll realize you're not playing. Or maybe you can even turn the S into a D in 6 months and let him shape up or ship out. But I don't hate this idea.

One thing I'd encourage you to do is to watch the video I keep raving about. It really speaks to the question: Should I be the noble virtuous person that tries to find meaning in a bad M? At least it did for me (in the third video).

I don't believe in D under almost any circumstance...physical danger is almost the only thing...so personally I think I'd commit to another period of time and go much darker...but each of us has to find their own way.

What does your DB coach say?

Good luck!