...I feel that when I read about your situation. The only thing I wish was that you could be less focused on her and less ready to have and/or joke about feelings of vengeance, etc. I think you should always be kind to her, always her friend. God loves your humility and knows your pain, he is there with you to undertake the intense trial you are undertaking, to continue to stand even when the pain is totally unbearable. Remember that that's what God did for us too in Christ, stood when it was totally unbearable to stand.
And there is a great article on this site that is the secular version of that.
Hi Gerda, you bring up an interesting question of whether W and I should continue to be friends when she is cheating on me. Thank you for posting MWD's article on the power of continuing to remain friends as an aid to reconciliation.
But in DR MWD primarily focuses on "going dark" when there is a cheating spouse. I have done both the friendship and going "dark", but currently I have gone dark with my W. Allow me to share some of my background to show how I got here, and my decision to stay “dark” with my W.
My W walked out on me (after our house was foreclosed) and took the kids in June 2013. After the initial shock, I talked to her frequently , I would send her funny email links/stories, I paid her bills, I paid child support before she went to court, and anytime she needed help I would go help her. This was all pre-DB. I was W's friend.
W started the dating website thing around March 2014, and was going out most nights on dates. I freaked out. I gave her a stipulated Marital Termination Agreement, and told her to sign it. She refused.
We released each other of our marital vows for 3 months (April thru June 2014), with the plan of ending our marriage at the end of this trial divorce. I cut back on my communications with her; I joined a dating website (it is amazing how effective having other women as a distraction in my life was a great way to stop thinking about my W.) But I was still her friend, if she asked I would help her.
Then I found DB last June. My W had to move out of her sister's place and find a new place to live July 2014, and so I thought I would make my "move". A spirit-filled widow friend told me to "go tell your wife that you love her, and want to be back with her." So I scheduled a date with W, told her that I loved her, and that we should be back together. W was confused, and deflected what I said by telling me her "war-stories" of a number of dates she had been on. But she loved her “new” dating life-style, receiving attention from younger men, and she did not want to be back with me.
Then in July 2014, I was still being the friend/doormat. I helped W move into her new place. At the time she was selling a rare breed of kitten, and I helped cart over 8 kittens to one of her boyfriend's houses, so she could sell her kittens from there (her new place did not allow pets.)
While I was waiting for W at the boyfriend’s house, W was meeting a customer to sell a kitten. W left her phone in the car, and while I was waiting I snooped her phone. I discovered the full extent of her new lifestyle. I also confirmed from another source of her infidelity. I went ballistic, and all I could remember from my short time trying to DB was the only phrase I could spit out – “I am no longer your friend.”
So my being my W’s friend for over 1 year after our BD/separation did nothing to help. She was still dating other men most nights, not giving attention to our children, and only calling me if she needed something.
So with my discovery of the full extent of what was going on in my W’s life, I did the only thing I could to save myself – I went “dark” and stopped having contact with my W (except, of course, if it dealt with our kids). It has not helped my R with my W. But it has been a big help to me in staying sane. I no longer have sleepless nights, I no longer think about what my W is doing, and my emotions have stabilized. I don’t think I would have made it this far along without the help of DB, going dark, and the support of the people on this Board.
So yes, I sometimes wonder if I should stop being dark with my W, and instead try and re-kindle our friendship. But for me, that would be the easy way out. I need to let my W live her life, and I need to keep working on myself.
Yes, you are correct that I use jokes/funny lines as a defense mechanism. The anger/vengeance I showed was me being real with my emotions. I am really just a big teddy bear, and I quickly calmed down from the emotional shock when W told me a week ago that she was bringing her om to s13’s baseball game. I don’t think you have to worry about me losing my temper with my W or anyone she sees. Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers.
