Separated/MLC No Change

[25yearsmlc]

25years: I am trying to figure out some good 180's to do and I am not having much luck other than I have not asked about R in 3 weeks. Wahoo record for me. Any advice on 180's. The way I read it it means doing the exact opposite or something that H wouldn't expect. Is not wearing my wedding ring a 180? I have made a big deal about him not wearing his in the past so I feel like that would not be right for me not to.

When a spouse wants out of the marriage or is on the fence, at length, they usually justify it by vilifying the LBS.

That means they find fault in the LBS and often, some of the faults are real b/c hey, we ALL have some.

So whichever faults he has listed or complained of, those are the ones you should target IF YOU wish to remedy them. I mean, if HE thinks you are fat and you honestly do not believe that is true, do not change it for him.

But let's say he complains about you being late for everything & let's assume it's a fair complaint. And that you want to change it. So you do. This means you are choosing to make an AUTHENTIC CHANGE in your behavior. Not merely doing something tactical to win him back, only to revert to the old ways once you get your way. That is seen for what it is, manipulation.

SO in the scenario about being chronically late and wanting to change that...

You become MRS PUNCTUAL and you arrive on time OR early for everything...so his "Data" about you is no longer accurate or valid.

And so on. 180s mean you are countering his negative images of you, with new positive images.

Since you wearing/not wearing your ring is only to get a reaction out of him, it's a tactic and not an authentic change. Tactics will be revealed for what they are, and then your real true changes will be much harder to believe in then. Understand"

You are undermining HIS NEGATIVE views of you and the marriage. Make sense?

When you mentioned how he said the cabin always means work for him, my first thought was to tell you to APPLAUD loudly for the 1% of positives he does.
Saying something along the lines of "You DO a lot of work there. THANK YOU for making it into something we all enjoy so much."

Not b /c that's a 180, precisely, although it probably is b/c you probably say nothing about that complaint OR you argue with it b/c you don't want him to feel that way..

As you may have realized, arguing with someone about how they feel is fruitless and usually destructive b/c they will no longer share that specific feeling with you if they are invalidated when they share it.

AND the "applaud loudly for the 1% of positives they do" is a great tool my DB coach gave me for communicating with my h. And it's a new way of looking at marriages b/c we tend to focus on our Unmet needs and Not on what our spouse does that is good or helpful.

We tend to focus on the X% of that is missing...but applauding for what is good, tends to promote more of it and even when that isn't the case, it helps the r.

But it is damn hard to do at times.



H came over today and I went about my business, chatted with him a little and cheerfully left the house.

Great!

I put up our swimming pool by myself, he had said he would do it when he came over but I went ahead and did it myself. Took forever but I got it done.

GOOD JOB!

Today he saw it was up and he said "I told you to let me do it" I said, "you know I get an idea in my head and I think I can do something so I do it.

I appreciate in other ideas or if I am not doing this right. Thanks.

2 options that might have gone better in the last example

1) "I know you did but I didn't want to make more work for you"

OR
2) "you already had/have so much other work, I wanted to help you out a little."

You'll have other opportunities to say this type of thing again, but use them well!

AND when you do, do NOT wait for him to respond. Be on your way out the door or to another room.

Let him process this new positive reinforcement at the same time, he'll see that you are in fact a capable woman.

I'd also add some mystery to your life now too. Be vague about who you are visiting or seeing the movie with ("friends" or "people from work/church/neighborhod") unless he presses you for more.

Always act surprised (not angry or indignant but surprised) that he's pressing YOU for more information and

leave unsaid that you do NOT ask him for any...

maintain an upbeat contented demeanor b/c 1) unhappy people are not attractive no matter how much you think being sad might make him feel guilty b/c the more likely scenario is it'll make him flee faster

and 2) truly content people are magnetic. AND 3) behaving as if you are happy and inwardly content has the interesting effect of actually helping us become happier and more content.



Good luck