Rebuilding my Castle...

[LoisB]

I was really down in the dumps today. I was even crabby to this really nice, cute man who paid me all these compliments on an online dating site. He lives in California and is only here for business. I blew him off. But, he was really nice.

I can't make a dammmed decision for my life. I feel like all I've been doing for the past 8 months...make that 3 years...is make life-altering decisions. I'm sick of it. I want to settle down, enjoy my life, enjoy my daughter and just freakin relax already.

I think the meeting this week and the 8 months of uncertainty with my situation has gotten to me. And, I'm scared. But, a bit relieved that I'm finally at a stage where I have to make a decision.

I don't think UP UP State NY is the place for us. But, what if???

Welcome to my brain.

And, it's been 8 months of this!! Constant questions running through my head. One minute, I'm full steam ahead, let's make this work in NY. I will be the best editor in Upstate NY. Then, I switch gears and realize how much I hate this job...Then, my brain switches again...Oh, it's not too bad. The community likes me! "They like me!!" Then, Tough it out Heather. You can do this! Then, Jeez, this company su--s. They're crazy with all that's expected. Heather, you're killing yourself and you're miserable. But! What if I'm making a mistake and ruining a great opportunity...BAH! This company is stupid.

I kinda feel like I'm doing what my daughter is doing at 20 years old. I'm figuring out what I want in life at 46. Actually, I think I always had it figured out, it was the acting upon it I've always struggled with...

If it was just me to worry about, it would be no big deal. I'd move to Asheville, NC in a heartbeat and build up writing clients and live on nothing until I became established. But, I have this person counting on me to create a decent home. I feel so behind and old.

D12 wants the heck outta here. Doesn't want another winter. Wants to be somewhere that homeschooling isn't considered freakish.

Sorry for the downer. It's where I'm at today. Bummed.

Good News though...I took the time yesterday and this morning to listen to some podcasts by writers I love and admire. I also got out my worn copy of Stephen King's On Writing--not much of a fan of his writing, but love his advice on writing. I see the path clearly...but, is it too late.

In King's book, he actually talks about how, when he was teaching school to make ends meet, he halted in his tracks because his worst fear...get this...HIS WORST FEAR...would be to near 50 years old or 60 and still be living in a double wide and broke. That's me!

Ok. I'm not living in a double wide...but, if I leave this job or lose it...that's where I'd be. But, finally, giving myself permission to write what I feel passionate about...

Then, I think. Would that be so bad? Part of me longs to start from where you're supposed to start...To finally be authentic to ME. Finding a clean, liveable, but cheap place in Asheville and work my way up.

I don't know. My brain is a mess today. Much like the weather here.