Wayward Wife & LRT (5)

[NDY]

GB. Pure gold. I have been struggling with this for quite. While now. The conflicting messages just drive me mad. Thank you for this. I look forward to the sample email.

/derail

I know, right?

Some messages say: manipulate her by validating her and listening to her, spend time with her and others say manipulate her by detaching from her because she needs to feel the loss and be punished.

Frankly, you (anyone) can go either way (when trying to manipulate your desired outcome) depending on your personal wants and needs. Either way is being manipulative and there isn't anything inherently evil or wrong with trying to manipulate your wayward spouse into doing the right thing. It may not be healthy for you long term but almost every betrayed spouse does it (even the ones that go ballistic the first night and give ultimatums that work with the inherent thread of violence or coercion). I personally think men should strategically pursue more (doing a dance of pursuit and distancing) and go into the fog and TRY to lead/drag their wife out of it; however, I think it's entirely too much to ask or suggest for a betrayed wife to do the same.

Then again, to some men it may be too much too whereas some women can emotionally put up more of a fight.

All generalizations.

Also...these strategies aren't mutually exclusive. The pursuer - distancing strategy presumes some pursuing AND some detaching.

I also think the posters save their marriage or not. I'm a bit of a fatalist here but many/most betrayed husband's come here to get affirmation and confirmation that the way they are choosing to handle themselves is o.k. They supplement their decisions with our information and reconcile or divorce all on their own. There isn't any magic way for me to tell which way this situation is going to go. I could see them jumping in bed together next weekend (almost every reconciliation story begins with "and we had sex last night") or; she could be filing the divorce papers today and running off to be with OM. Either way, Defacto is better off having this place and our [sometimes conflicting] support because the battlefield he finds himself in is ever changing and uncertain. He can apply my tools one day and someone else's the next. It's all good.

Decacto, sorry for the derail.

GB thank you for this message. I knew the distancing thing was, to her at least me coming across as a jerk. I struggled with the concept of rebuilding the attraction on a daily basis. My WW loved me because I was the funny, talkative interesting guy. Now, trying to follow what I've seen on here I just make it worse. She responds better when I'm the 'old me'. Lots of people here talk about self improvement, fixing the things that she didn't like about you. Not just for the M but for yourself. But what about the thing you forgot to be? What about the old you that she fell in love with? Sometimes that person needs to come back. Know what I mean?

So I like the idea of making your feeling be known in a manly way. She has already left. So I want to AT LEAST TRY and intice her back. It doesn't mean there isn't an improved NDY waiting but the old NDY, the one she loved has to come back too.

I'm biting my fingernails for this email. Defacto and i's situations are similar in a lot of ways.

Peace