Don't Look Back 1

[Underdog]

Sunny,

Hope you have an awesome vacation! I've always felt that getting away helps me focus better, reframe, and regroup. Sounds like fun.

I also have the XH who used to ask me to do the same thing and I'd get the same response. It did piss me off as well. But there's no point in wondering what he could be thinking - a cheeseless tunnel for sure. In the end, it really wouldn't help you, would it?

Things are much better nowadays. I think time really does heal a lot of hurt.

Like you, my XH was very uncomfortable expressing deep emotions, and that included allowing me to express them. I called it derision then, but now I have the benefit of a lot of processing since. The one thing passive aggressive people are conditioned to do is stuff their emotions. Somewhere in their childhood, they were chastised, mocked or punished for expressing themselves - particularly with emotions that were anything other than happy. My in-laws loved their boys, but *THEY* were conditioned this way too. The only way anyone in their families had any type of emotional discussions was to have a few drinks under their belts.

The day we got a diagnosis on our D18 (at the age of 3), I literally crumpled to the shower floor in grief. I sobbed like I've never sobbed before. Instead of comfort, he chastised me and told me to get over it. I literally hated him for that for a really long time.

I now see that his conditioned lack of response had been so ingrained in him that he couldn't allow himself to head down that road with me or for me. Think about that for awhile. It took me years to forgive him, and it was much easier for me to understand once I had more information on the reasons behind the mask.

BTW, if this makes you feel better (probably not), D18 and I were invited over to a neighbor's house last night for dinner. He and his XW have been my neighbors for 15 years, though they've both moved out and moved back in. He's now in, as the XW of 40 years moved back to Nebraska a few months ago. Anyway, we were talking about our divorces, and I was mortified and surprised that talking about it made me cry. It hit me from out of nowhere, and fortunately, the neighbor decided to return our topic to one with more levity.

On a side note... he's a small business coach, helping self employed folks break through barriers and achieve better results. About halfway through dinner, he asked me if I had ever listened to any TED talks. I said yes, and asked if he had one in mind. He answered, Brene Brown. I had to look him in the eyes and say, "Well, apparently you're more than intuitive, because other than my IC last summer, you're the only one I've met in the real world who recommended her to me. Yes, vulnerability is a huge problem for me."

Weird stuff...

Anyway, enjoy!

Betsey

p.s. I slowly learned his true emotions when I'd connect the dots between his demeanor, facial expressions (extremely telling), what he'd say or not say and then his actions over the next 24-48 hours. When I got brave enough, I'd ask him slowly and gently, and then he'd let me in. Mind you, it wasn't about our marriage. I had to start at the ground floor and work this program where it concerned his parenting/issues relating to the girls and what we needed to do as parents.