The behavior truly does bother me for a number of reasons - but I can transcend it.
Did you ever notice how many DBers don't go to the bathroom without analyzing it, yet our WWs do everything without any thought whatsoever, or out of pure emotion without reasoning? We really suffer from analysis paralysis sometimes.
RAI
I understand what you mean. I guess I shouldn't have used the word bother in this case. Our S's having an A bother us also but we cant just make a boundary that says "You cant have an affair". I've just realized in past I would more often than not be using boundaries wrong and using it to control without knowing. So I question myself as much as possible and the control aspect of it.
The way it see it now is that boundaries are for us more than them. For instance, one of my biggest boundaries that has helped me the most W doesn't even know about. My boundary was "I will not have conversations with W about OM". Since I was the one who always steered conversations into talking about him that boundary was nearly fully on me. Its been successful since I started having control over myself.
Another boundary I have is not accepting blatant disrespect from W, which for the most part doesn't happen anymore at all. I do get small bits of frustration or attitude, but its very minor and I don't react to it. In the past when she would be disrespecting me to my face I would just calmly say "I don't disrespect you when we speak I would appreciate the same treatment" and go back to what I was talking to her about or doing.
I definitely think we over analyze everything, were confused with whats happening and looking for answers. For them, I think they are so focused on that pursuit of being happy, be it with OM or alone, that they may no longer care whats happening with us. The other possibility is that they have such a powerful urge to prove what they are doing as right they cant show they are questioning it.
At the end of the day its all mindreading, they might think about everything, they might not. We just cant tell for sure and it also doesn't matter much for what we have to be doing at the time.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
