DifRent's Journey - 27 days in, thread 2

[DifRent]

Okay, just wanted to say here that when you practice detachment properly and firmly set your boundaries, you'll see results. Whether the results last or not, and whether or not I overplayed my hand this morning after all this detachment, well... we'll see.

So... last night, she tried to give me a hug and a kiss before bed. I said, "Don't touch me." "No?" "No," I said. "Not while you're f***ing another woman." And I closed the MBR door.

I have been cool and detached all morning, of course... after my boundary setting last night. I get out of the shower and am almost dressed when she comes into the bedroom, looking at me sadly. I put on a t-shirt (really, watching me dress is crossing a boundary, too - think I'll just lock the door from now on) and she says, "I miss my room." And I reply, "Well, I miss you."

"I miss you, too."

I say, "But I'm right here."

"So am I."

"No you're not, you're somewhere else entirely. I don't even know who is inhabiting your body right now."

Then she comes really close, like she's going to move in for a kiss. "What are you doing?" She puts her head on my shoulder... "I just want a hug. Can't we be friends?"

"I told you, don't touch me while you're f***ng her. And friends don't do what you're doing."

She backs up, puts her head on my shoulder again. "I want things to be like they were, the only thing I can't do is come back to you." I'm like.... "I don't see the point in this conversation." And I walk past her...

She goes out of the bedroom and says, "What do you want from me to make this easier?" I said, "I want you to move out for two weeks." "To where?" "I don't know, maybe your new girlfriend's house?" "C and I don't have that kind of relationship." "No, you don't. In fact, you don't have a relationship. It's a fantasy."

"Well, I wish you would stop being so cold," she said.

And then, I basically gave a "speech" from a point of strength, assuming a power posture to her stooped and sad looking body. I said she might think I'm being cold, but in fact, I love her, and this is tough love. And real love doesn't abide one's beloved doing things that wrong, evil, hurtful, and dangerous. It doesn't just say, ok, let's be friends, have some fake hugs, do what you want. I reminded her that I'm the one who loves her more than anyone, that she's a mess, and while I can't stop her from doing whatever it is that's causing such chaos in her life, I sure as hell won't be an obliging "friend." I would be a real friend, a real partner, and a real lover. Which isn't easy, but then... when is real love easy?

She nodded the whole way through everything I said. I could see a glimpse of the W I love, and she said, "Thank you for this. I agree with everything you said."

"Everything?"

"Yes, everything. I am sorry I hurt you, and that I keep hurting you. I am sorry, really."

And she went upstairs.

I don't know if I gave her actual food for thought, or what. I just know that the OW is at work and unavailable this morning, so that opened up some space for her to come see me the way she did in the first place. I hope I came across as firm enough, but didn't give away any DB "strategy." I don't think so. And... odds are, once she sees the OW, this whole thing will fade away again. But maybe some of it will stick as we continue down this journey.

Sorry for the long post. I mostly wanted to communicate some satisfaction in seeing how the strategies actually got her coming to me like this.