Really Random Ramblings

[tadpole1025]

For Tad, alot of it is based on his past family history. There are times that he may be afraid to get too close to someone with the fear of losing that person.

That ^ is the truth. All of my life, not counting deaths, I've either had someone taken from me or I've been taken from them. I don't think people realize what divorce does to the kids. Me? My parents divorced when I was very young. I was three years old and because of it, I spent my whole childhood in the middle of custody battles....living with my mom, living with my dad, living with my grandparents....being moved to California, back to Arizona, back to California, moved to Germany, back to California....that was my entire childhood. Nothing really stable at all. My family history [censored] and I never realized it until these past few years. So yes, MrBond is right. I'm afraid to get close to anyone or anything. (Although I really bonded with my pet rats and its probably because I knew deep down that they weren't going to hurt me and would love me unconditionally.)

Just checking in to journal:

My S23's band had another performance on Saturday night. XW was there and I have to say that I was shocked to see how old she looks. She used to look amazing, but when I saw her at the show, I did a double take. It looks like she has aged atleast 10 years since I saw her last. I haven't seen her since January. She used to have the most beautiful dark hair. Now, it is gone. She cut it all off.

I also realized earlier today that I haven't spoken to her or even exchanged text messages in over a year. Wow.

At the show, she kept hanging around "my crowd" as if she wanted to fit in or say something. She was standing two feet from me at one point. I still have not even acknowledged her. If she wants to talk, she gets to make the first move. Not me. It is better that way. FOR ME.

The weird thing is: I had an amazing time at the show...had a woman flirting with me, the band put on one of their best shows, had a great conversation with my ex bil, got to see my beautiful niece and talk to her but....when I woke up Sunday morning, I felt blah. I felt like there was a giant cloud over my head. I couldn't shake it until I got to work Sunday night. It was like the depression started all over again. Weird.

My rattie is still hanging on. I feel so bad for her though. She sticks to me like glue when she is out of her cage and only wants to cuddle. I love that little girl so much and probably got too attached. Now...I have to deal with the loss when the time comes. They say you are lucky to have one live 2 years. I had one last 2 years and 1 month and the one that is left has made it to 2 years and 7 months. I know her time is close and it weighs on my mind almost constantly. That's all I think about. There are times that I won't even go out unless I spend time with her first. Is that sad? Pathetic? I'm just trying to spend as much time with her as I can.

Just wanted to vent a little and give a quick update.

Take care.

Tad