I have changed since STBX left in November. I am more empathetic now, I think. I know what it is like to be at rock bottom, so I feel for those who are struggling in their life in a way that I really didn't understand before. I think that is a good quality to have gained.
Talking everything slow these days. I may have said this already, but when I was "on the right track" in terms of DB, I was kind and calm regardless of the reactions and attitude that I got from her. Nowadays I'm more reserved and distant, if not flat out cold. The sad thing is is that she's actually been kinder to me than she was when she left but I just won't have it. Too angry still. Too hurt. Too embarrassed. I think it's a way to protect myself. I went for a few months believing that I could win her back and show her that I could change for the better and when it became apparent that it wasn't going to happen - all of the negative set in and I was crushed all over again. Like I wrote in the Discussion on Forgiveness thread, I haven't found a way to forgive her for leaving or to forgive myself for all the things I did and didn't do that lead up to the dissolving of our marriage.
Still - I am in a better place than I was a few weeks ago. I felt no hope then. Now I am at least trying to picture a better future for myself. Maybe not the ambitious one I saw when I first set out DBing, but one that I can survive in.
Talked with STBX about things today. She was surprised since, like I said, I don't usually want to talk. I apologized for not having been so nice to her lately. She asserted that she wants us to have a good working relationship (tears in her eyes). Instinct took over and I wiped the tears away and put my hand on her back. She hugged me. We haven't hugged in months. Come to think of it, nobody has hugged me except S in months. Underrated human interaction, that. I didn't realize how much I missed it until she did.
Good night all. - ship
Me 23, Her 21 1S 2 M <1yr, T 7 WAW: She moved out 11/15/2014 She started D process 1/29/15
