Funny thing hit me tonight. This is me as an actualized real adult sans STBX. I've never known this grown up version of me, without him. When ppl are together for a while, we lock identities together I think. This is me with all the parts he was part of building shaping and growing, like water over stones. Yet I was able to look over old pictures almost with tenderness and not anger.
Two hours ago I remembered discovering this week he cheated. But the pictures, he was starry eyed in those years too before he got so angry and disappointed. Most of those pictures, I could remember some terrible fight in the week they were taken. I always felt so confused and rattled the way he'd escalate and twist.
It's starting to all balance, become a cohesive something to look back on. This is exciting. It's like my heart and brain can look at the past and future peacefully in these moments this evening.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
