The new normal

[Sotto]

Hi Zues, thanks for sharing the ...clips. I watched 1 & 2 today. He's an engaging speaker for sure, and I found the first video on desires and expectations interesting. He does illustrate how the feelings of love can drain away when you have a M that is based on what I would call deals and transactions...certainly some food for thought there. Scorecard also popped into my mind with the whole 'owing' eachother theme.

I'm not a believer and so I got less out of the second video. Although some of the stuff about 'parent' dynamics within the M were interesting. I was concerned about some of the content as he seemed to almost be saying - put your own needs aside - and make your life all about loving your partner, understanding their desires and so on. I haven't read ..., but isn't that what nice guys do, and then get themselves into some difficulties?

I may re-watch the first one and watch some more of his other clips too. Thanks for the recommendation! T :-)

[Zues126]

Great point Toots. I believe that the difference is that "nice guys" do have LOTS of expectations and covert contracts. Then they get resentful when their unvoiced needs aren't met.

I feel that this encourages the communication of your desires, but cautions against allowing those to transform to expectations. And the DB concepts of not keeping a score card, taking one to tango, and finding your own happiness all seemed reflective.

Glad you enjoyed it. I am totally fascinated by the difference between expectations and desires, between settling and accepting reality, between allowing yourself to be mistreated versus loving your partner for who they are. And this video gave me a lot of food for thought.

[LisaB]

Hi Zues, watched part 1 of this. Very interesting and VERY TRUE about expectations.

[u-turn]

Thanks for finding and sharing this Zues. I watched part 1 today and this makes a lot of sense. I wish I can take a mulligan on parts of my M (I've learned so much).

It all makes sense, but I still have a cannot give up the expectation to be faithful when I thought it was a mutual expectation - and not even worth talking about - it was just understood. How do you think that fits in?

I understand giving up expectations for things to be a certain way and our S to do certain things, but what about when that expectation is one of our core values?

[V2pt0]

Hi Zues,

Thanks for the video suggestion. I watched it yesterday and do think it is true. Not only do we have desires that turn into expectations, but on top of that I am not sure many of us never fully communication all our expectations to our spouse. Maybe we leave out important details. Therefore, in many cases our spouse might not even know they are not fully meeting our expectations. Also, we are led to believe by the media and Hollywood what our marital expectations should look like. It is hard to live up to a fantasy with the realities of the "real world". We all face outside forces that also impact our expectations from being met.

Just as an example of where I see miscommunication and problems with expectations in my marriage was me having a this idea of "typical" married life starting straight away. Children, two incomes, family vacation, being weekend worriers, etc. I was not expecting those things to be put on hold by 12 years of schooling and each year that went by I became more resentful. At the same time, I knew we mutually agreed on schooling and sacrifices being made. Not sure I fully appreciated reality of it all at the time. Yes, my H knew I wanted those things, but not necessarily that I was let down by timeline.

That also brings me to two other things that fall in line with expectations and marriage. Entitlement and gratitude. Entitlement is deadly to marriage if we expect we are owed something in life and from our spouse. It is our responsibility to supply some of our own needs, not our spouse - i.e. Happiness and self-esteem. Enter the affair.

Finally, the one thing I keep coming back to is gratitude. I truly believe that we all take so much of the good in our marriages for granted by focusing on the bad. What would happen if both spouses focused on what they had to be thankful for as apposed to what was lacking.

[V2pt0]

The only other thing I will add that is very detrimental are assumptions. I have learned over the last few weeks that my H made a lot of assumptions about what I was thinking and feeling as well as how I would respond to certain things. He assumed wrong.

[Zues126]

Again, bumping for .... I have now watched the third video (20 minutes each).

Thanks for the replies all. I'll reply more when I can, have to go to work. I got much, much more out of this than about anything else. Oh- in volume 3 he talks about two things:
-what to do if you aren't getting what you want from your spouse
-how to communicate what you want without letting it be an expectation

Toots, LisaB, u-turn, BW...thanks for watching, talk soon.

[SunnyB]

The only other thing I will add that is very detrimental are assumptions. I have learned over the last few weeks that my H made a lot of assumptions about what I was thinking and feeling as well as how I would respond to certain things. He assumed wrong.

BW, I just couldn't pass this by. My H actually said he thought I wouldn't care if he had an affair. Really? Is that why you hid it? Hmm...

[Zephyr]

Again, bumping for ... I have now watched the third video (20 minutes each).

Thank you for digging this up and posting.

Watched all 3 segments today at work. Great find. I want to forward all the links to my wife for her to watch too

He gets more churchy in he second video, but i thought the content was really good and definitely puts a great thinking point on the whole giving / getting loving gestures freely instead of through expecting.

I was at work so I'll have to rematch again when I have more time.

Biggest take away ... Similar to on here, drop the rope, give your situation to a higher power and give love freely.

[Zues126]

Same - 2nd guessing myself constantly - but hey?

It is disappointing how "the world" views D and Rs. Early on, before I even got to DB land, I googled how to detach. It *****ed me off that half of the pages redirected at Ss who are thinking of leaving the R - "so to make it easier to BD, detach first". A sorry state of affairs.

I'll be sparking up a new thread one of these days to update my situation status. Hope you can drop by and offer me some pointers. My tale is following yours remarkably so far and your insight is very much appreciated.

You take care to Z.

Where's your new thread Py? Miss having you around.

To all, yeah, that guy was a little preachy at times. I'm not zealously Christian yet I have no problem hearing a spiritual based approach to relationships. To me it's all about what's effective. And everything he said could be translated to non-spiritual content.

Speaking of Christianity- Py, your quote above reminded me that it's believed God loves us so much he'll let us make our own destructive choices. Let's strive to love our WAS's the same way. Unconditional love doesn't mean unconditional availability free of boundaries. But can we not still love them and wish them well on their journey? And can we not still love the world though it fails to meet our hopes?

In fact, as I write this I realize this is just more "the world not meeting expectations". Wow, I am seeing this video everywhere now.

u-turn, I'm still mulling that one. I posted something on losts thread that shows I'm churning...I'm churning...