Maybell XXXV: Almost There

[Maybell]

I had a really nice afternoon today with loving and supportive friends. Came home and STBX was there dropping off the kids. He's on his way to Europe so I won't have a break again for three more weeks.

My life feels so heavy right now. I'm meeting with my lawyer tomorrow and just scared of how this will all play out in the short term. Every time STBX remits a draft agreement he sends me long emails about how anxious he is that he's not going to have as much money as he wants, and then I have to fight this battle in myself between caring about his well-being and fighting for mine and the kids'. Thank goodness I have a zealous attorney. He gets very indignant when I worry about STBX. But then I have my work absences to worry about and hat stresses me out so much. I need balance in all this and I don't think I'll be finding it soon.

I know in my head that if he were worried about my and the kids' well-being we wouldn't be fighting over money. He's just begging for my sympathy and freaking out about the cost of all this to himself. When I can remember that I feel stronger.

I'm not going to lie, that review last week has really taken the wind out of my sails. I felt confident and well-supported and like I was moving forward with power and purpose. I don't think much has truly changed, but I feel the full weight of my situation right now. It is so heavy and scary. And yet I'm a grown-up, well-loved by so many people and so many different kinds of people. My road is in many ways much easier than others in this situation. I know I can do this. But I think I'm hitting the grief part of the cycle again. STBX is not only someone I can't be married to, he isn't even someone I or my friends would be friends with. That makes me so sad. I have lost more than just the man I loved.