W came home tonight very obviously agitated, sniffing like she'd been crying, and texted me from the driveway "I'm home. Gonna have a cigarette. Up to you if you want to join me." (We quite smoking a few years ago.) Despite this, I went out and smoked with her. I asked if she had a good time. She said "yes". That was it. The rest of the time was spent shivering in silence. It's really cold here right now. Feels like October & rainy too.
Anyway, we went back in and sat on the couch. I was watching Storage Wars. We didn't say a word to each other. After about 5 minutes, I decided I wasn't going to fall into the "what's wrong?" Or "do you want to talk?" trap, so I simply said "I'm gonna go get ready for bed". She followed me up without speaking. I got ready, said "goodnight", (she responded "goodnight") and i came downstairs.
I don't really understand why she called it off with OM. If it's that painful for her, and she'd rather be with him, why does she care if I talk to an attorney on Tuesday? At this point, nothing in my mind has changed. She needs to initiate the conversation.
Just give her time and space. She just experienced a break up and needs some time to recover. Keep going as you were and wait for her to be ready. If you push too hard now, she won't believe your changes are real. Just because she's upset doesn't mean she would rather be with him.
She just texted me a list of the bills she pays every month. Says she expects me to cover these so she can quit her job. Wants to be a stay at home mom.
This doesn't bother me other than I want to say "really?" You treat me as you do, cheat on me, and now expect me to support you 100%
W told me today that the only reason she called it off with OM is because of D2. She doesn't want me to go to an attorney because she doesn't want to give up 50% of her time with her.
As detached as I've been, apparently it hasn't been enough because she called me a "whiny little b***h." Amazing how she talks to me.
She also said she just wishes I would move out. She's sick of me being there and doesn't want me in her life.
Not sure what I did to deserve all of this, but my faith in God is being tested, and my desire to try and salvage anything at all is quickly fading.
Oh my! A blow up? Seems you forgot your STFU smoothie.
Dust yourself and get back on the DB horse. Regardless of what W says, I'd still proceed with the L meeting so you have some information in your head.
For now, you really need to be deathly calm for W will test, test, and TEST you to the hilt. Don't let W bait you at all. If you need to, go for a walk and gather yourself.
Whatever happens....DO NOT move out. W will cycle through her motions and there will be a lot of ups and downs.
Stand your ground. You might want to brush up on validation by looking at the Validation Cheat Sheet.
Mate, I've been there. I've had the spew. I bulk ordered the spew jackets a while ago, they are much cheaper if you order a lot and you will need a lot. She's having a go at your masculinity. Know what's the reaction I had to that? And it was you that posted on my thread? Meh.
Get back on the horse mate.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Wow! Pretty nasty. Real chutzpah! Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing she got the best of you. Here is a quote from a post in someone else's now-abandoned thread on how to become spew-proof. I admit my WW does not really spew, so take it for what it is worth. It may not apply to you completely, but here it is, from my archives:
Originally Posted By: RAI
It is a very visceral basic animal instinct to want to lash out. In prehistoric times (or the wild west) it may have worked, but in today's society you will only be harming yourself and your prospects for a better future. In retrospect, I am so thankful that I never raised a finger against my W. She would have turned it against me in an instant. Courts do not look favorably on violent/angry individuals. I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.
Instead, keep your eye on the prize: You love your children and you never want to be apart from them. Whenever you get the urge to go ballistic, think about the awful consequences. There is a maxim in the book "ethics of the fathers": who is strong? One who can conquer his inclinations (Is my Judaism showing?). It is so true. The measure of a man is his ability to control himself and his attitude. In this time where you are feeling completely out of control, this is your last bastion of control and your last freedom, if you will. You CAN control your attitude and your response to your W's crazy. Right now, you are letting your W dictate your moods and behaviors. Don't give up control. She may be intentionally trying to get a rise out of you. Do you want to give her the satisfaction??? I know I mentioned this before: instead of responding every time your W does something crazy, document it instead.
BTW, shouting matches and confrontations also don't help. You will always feel worse afterwards because your W will not own up to anything. You will not, I repeat, you will not make her see your POV no matter how hard you try; she is a WAW. You may feel impotent and emasculated. You are not. Ask anyone on this board how much courage it takes to take the high road and rise above it.
In Crimson Tide - a great submarine film, if you haven't seen it - Denzel Washington's character never loses his cool, even when being hit by his nemesis. You need to be Denzel cool. Immediately. Take back control. Do you remember the scene in Casino royale (2006) where Bond is being lashed in the balls? He kept his cool - an no one is cooler than Bond. You need to be Bond cool. I know these are *just* films. But I hope you can draw some inspiration from them as I have.
It is ok and expected to feel rage. It is like someone is ripping your arm out of its socket without anesthetic. If you really cannot control the rage, then leave the house for a few hours. drive around, see a movie, sit on a park bench, hit a punching bag, anything. There were times I had to leave to preserve my sanity. If you must, politely tell your W you are going out for a bit - you needn't tell her why or where, but don't just walk out - it looks irresponsible. I brought my cell phone and vented instead on someone in whom I could confide. Then I would come home with some groceries, whistling a tune, so she wouldn't have a clue what I had done.
Again, I know EXACTLY how you feel. Please please please take my advice. You may not improve your sitch, but at least you will not worsen it.
Thanks for the post and encouragement once again everyone. RAI, thank you for sharing that.
It's not too late. I just have to keep telling myself that this is for my daughter. Obviously for my marriage too, but that will take a lot of time and patience.
