Mozza (12) + Links to success stories

[Mozza]

Thanks all for the feedback. It's so great to know a group of people who know what I'm going through.

Flirting report | It has more or less stopped since I started online dating. I see it as a separate topic from dating because the point of flirting is to make the initial contact when I'm attracted, so that I overcome my fear of rejection. My IC agrees that online dating is a phase and that eventually, I'll have to get back to approaching women in real life.

Dating report | Unexpected success, if the point is to meet women. I've met five women so far and haven't been rejected once — actually, one woman did and when I replied "that's fine", she changed her mind! I wasn't really looking for a confidence boost, but now I feel it and realize that I might no be a man only a fool would leave, but I can be an interesting prospect. It seems like this phase is about reassuring myself that I can attract women, and the next step will be to be the one choosing them. For four of the five, they had taken the first step (hence the low rejection rate, obviously). It's kind of my pattern to reply to women who express interest, rather than initiating with the ones that attract me. Much work to do still.

Sex report | I bet this new section caught your attention. I'm also learning about myself and sex in general by sleeping with other women than my WW (I've not slept with 4-5 women since, but allow me to keep a little privacy on the details here!). First, it's fun. I'm not so sure anymore about my theory that early sex isn't as good as it gets after a few months or years. Obviously, there is a lesser emotional connection and I remember being utterly in love with WW when we first slept together and it was the best. Such a feeling of completeness. Second, it's important and sacred, but it's not the end all that I perceived before. I can't do it with someone who annoys me, repulses me or is not interested in me, but I realize that it can be done with people we feel a connection, if not a desire to spend the rest of our lives together. I also mind a little less that WW had sex with another man — you might recall that I felt tremendous sexual jealousy after WW left. I feel that the emotional betrayal is a bigger deal than the physical one, even though many LBS feel the opposite, at least at first.

GAL report | I now live a normal, busy life. I'm past the point of seeking to GAL for the sake of it, or at least that's how it feels. It just happens naturally. I've just finished my dance classes and I'm considering registering for the next level. I've put my motorbike plans on the ice for this summer. I'm taking a week-long holiday starting Friday, after I drop off the kids. I almost always have elaborate plans for the week-ends when I have the kids (then the week goes on with the routine). As I said, it's all happening naturally.

PMA report | Come to think of it, I haven't cried in a few days. It might be my longest stretch since BD. I seem to observe that having the kids make things a little worse for me. It seems strange until you realize that they remind me of WW a lot and they bring a lot of work and pressure with them. But I've had them since Friday and I'm fine. I'm not looking forward to the mediation process though.

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SunnyB | Thanks for your interest and I'm happy to share and explain as much as you want. I won't feel judged. I see my R with this woman as a phase of a few weeks or months, knowing at the same time that I can't predict the future. I enjoy her company, but I also think she enjoys mine. Yes, we go to bed together, but we also care about each other, update each other every day, share our hopes and all. It's a very sweet relationship and it seems to me, hoping I don't read this wrong, that we're both in acceptance that the future is unknown. It is simply not a forever R.

I've explained this at length earlier on these threads, but the whole "married man" thing is much less of an issue where I live than in the US. People around me see it more as a technicality, now that I've been separated, that the mediation has started and, especially, that WW is living with OM. For that reason, I would never discard a woman because she's interested in me while I'm still technically married (I would if she accepted to cheat while I'm still in an R, even not M).

I understand why it's not popular around here, as we try to save lifelong commitments, but a vast majority of R do not last a lifetime. It's not that special to be with someone, even that intimately, for a definite period. It might just be rarer to acknowledge it from the start.

jim0987 | So good to see you stop by on my thread. You're like an old friend I don't see enough of. Thanks for your support.

MCS | Same for you: I'm so glad to see you stopping by. I hope this is not goodbye already, as I plan to update this board at least until my D is complete, earliest in October. I'm glad if you can compare your situation and evolution by reading on my sitch. This is why I share it, as I believe that openness allow each other to feel more at peace with ourselves, less blinded by the perfect Facebook lives that we too often try to project.

TenBook | Thanks TenBook, it's nice to know that my advice can have been appreciated every now and then. I sometimes feel like I speak with too much authority for someone with such little experience and knowledge of M, S and D. But I guess we're all here to hear each other out and make our own decisions, so all contributions are welcome.

gan | I find it interesting that you refer to the marathon scale because I've also been thinking that I'm not at the end of my sitch at all. I'm the guy telling everyone that it takes years to resolve, and I'm not even 9 months into mine. I try to keep it in mind and not make rush decisions about the resolution of my sitch, to let the situation and my emotions evolve.

karma12 | THIS IS IT!! This is what I was referring to as the next step in your sitch, after things fell through with the fireman. It seems fairly common that when we run out of love interests, our heart naturally goes back to our ex. Nothing wrong with that, I'm just an interested observer of how those things evolve. Keep updating us.

raliced | Always a pleasure to have your organized and informed mind weigh in. Yes, it works about the same here. We even have five hours (5 x 1) of free mediation because we have kids. I hope my solution will work out.

CaliGuy | Thanks again for your idea. I went with it and let WW choose the mediator. I'm interested in your stories where the WW turned around at mediation. It seems very unlikely to happen to me. WW does not seem very emotional about the whole thing, simply going through the motion long after her final decision was made. Still, I try to convince myself that I shouldn't come across as dragging my feet, but rather show her that I take the lead for my part, and make her reflect a little on how we both come out of this situation.

Bob723 | Thanks for stopping by during these busy times for you. As I wrote above, plenty of GAL. It's just not an issue anymore.

Zues126 | I agree that we shouldn't try to diagnose the WW, especially given our confirmation bias in these hard times ("they are bad people!"). I see this research as one more piece of the puzzle, something to reflect upon, not really a final explanation.

Wonka | Have you read the article? In any case, MWD's position seems to be "most M can be saved" not "no one is genetically predisposed to cheating". I don't see why should would object to the research findings.

LisaB | So nice to see you around. Thanks a lot for sharing your personal history. I had no idea you had some history of cheating when you were younger. I find it interesting that you feel a changed woman and I'd be curious to see what will happen in the future. My WW was cheated on by her college boyfriend and deeply scarred by it, unable to trust men until she met me (for whom loyalty and fidelity are easy to promise and keep). So it was a huge surprise when she cheated on me in 2009. But when she did it again in 2014, I started to wonder if there is a pattern and now I find several signs that it is. But in any case, as you said, it's not really the time to worry about this because WW is not asking to R.