Oh man, I feel like it is last dance time at the Year 12 formal (that's prom for you guys in US land). All the June-Sept'14 BDers are dropping by Mozza's thread for farewell hugs!
I agree though. Reading here it seems things have settled down for most of us and life is good. Not quite how we expected but good nonetheless. What's that, like 19 miles on the marathon scale?
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Good luck with the mediation Mozza. I hope it goes well. Enjoy the fun of dating, don't settle though unless it feels right.
I have been feeling w huge pull towards my STBX. I called him tonight and we are going to meet Sunday. Apparently he hasn't been feeling well. I think I have been sensing that something is not ok. I wish I felt nothing but I have been feeling something this last few weeks. I will let u know how it goes Sumday.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
WW wants to start mediation. To pick up a mediator, she called three and the only one that picked up the phone became her choice. I asked her to do a better screening. She just wrote back, a week later, saying that one gave her boilerplate info by email, another didn't pick up and she didn't have time to call the third. She asks me what I think.
What I think is that she didn't make any progress and she still thinks it's no big deal. She treats this the way she treats the whole S, including the impact on the kids: let's just get it done.
So, do I tell her that it's fine, she tried and we'll pick her choice? Do I tell her that her research this week didn't make a difference? Anyone had a bad experience with a bad mediator? The one thing I do NOT want to do is to take over the process. It's her D and I'm going along, protecting my interests and those of my kids. But I'm not doing the heavy lifting for her.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I looked into mediation here and my understanding was that even in mediation you can have your own lawyer to advise and review. Had we gone that route, I would have availed myself of that option.
Also, if mediation wasn't getting anywhere, one party could always move it to the more traditional model where the lawyers handle everything.
Not sure if that is all the same where you are. If you suspect you won't be comfortable with the mediator, I would just make sure you are getting your own legal advice - that way your interests are protected, regardless of who she chooses.
Not sure if this all works the same way where you are.
WW wants to start mediation. To pick up a mediator, she called three and the only one that picked up the phone became her choice. I asked her to do a better screening. She just wrote back, a week later, saying that one gave her boilerplate info by email, another didn't pick up and she didn't have time to call the third. She asks me what I think.
What I think is that she didn't make any progress and she still thinks it's no big deal. She treats this the way she treats the whole S, including the impact on the kids: let's just get it done.
So, do I tell her that it's fine, she tried and we'll pick her choice? Do I tell her that her research this week didn't make a difference? Anyone had a bad experience with a bad mediator? The one thing I do NOT want to do is to take over the process. It's her D and I'm going along, protecting my interests and those of my kids. But I'm not doing the heavy lifting for her.
I have been at the mediator table TWICE ... lol. Both times so far pulled the Matrix and things never went through ... things change as it becomes SERIOUSLY real ... hang in there.
My perspective .. its like a fast food drive through .. they could care less about you, your goods, your family, kids ... its about that red light special deal they are running in package A, B, or C ... its all about them making money.
In my sitch ... I went to some website calculators for my state, plugged in what I made, what she made, the custody percentage and hit calculate. The 2nd mediation session went far further than the first. Going into that one I knew on paper and with a couple free consultations from lawyers what I was looking at .... that was FAR different from W's fairytale. Knowing where you stand .. huge. You can have a lawyer ... but the whole premise for mediation is to save costs, they gather the docs, your financials and figure out how to divide it up ... very Vegas-Wedding-ish.
My advice .. see if they have a free consultation, ours did .. you can get a better feel for what they are about .. if not .. I would say take the reins and find another yourself ... even thought you are against it you are not signing anything just yet. For my W ... me going through the process and not dragging my feet threw her off .. and the fact it became very real really turned my sitch.
Quick update: I told her we could use the mediator of her choosing but that I reserved the right to change later if I'm not satisfied. Thanks for the idea CaliGuy. Of course, she picked the one closest to her office. She also wrote she's happy it goes forward.
Thanks all for you input. More later.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I’ve been extremely busy and haven’t been on the DB Forum much at all for a few days.
What’s new with you? Any GAL activities planned for the weekend?
Take care!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Hey all - google for "Infidelity lurks in your genes", a recent opinion piece in the New York Times. Extract:
Originally Posted By: Richard A. Friedman
"We are accustomed to thinking of sexual infidelity as a symptom of an unhappy relationship, a moral flaw or a sign of deteriorating social values. When I was trained as a psychiatrist we were told to look for various emotional and developmental factors — like a history of unstable relationships or a philandering parent — to explain infidelity.
But during my career, many of the questions we asked patients were found to be insufficient because for so much behavior, it turns out that genes, gene expression and hormones matter a lot.
Now that even appears to be the case for infidelity."
I've always been interested in the interaction between biology and personality, so this caught my eye. It strikes me that the vaprossin gene, trust and empathy because my WW was not to be trusted so much but also that her lack of empathy for me (and the kids, and friends... i.e. she thinks a gift is something you like, not something the recipient likes) was a problem that even she acknowledged.
Also, in reflecting on my S and WW, I've been gravitating towards the thought that my WW just isn't built, like me, for a long term R. She cheated twice on me, once 5 years into the R, and then again almost 5 years later with OM when she left me. I, on the other hand, have been proven to be very trusting in negotiations games for instance. I also bond strongly with my close friends, who are numerous, and with whom I keep in touch over decades. No such thing for WW who would drop close friends every couple of years, much to my surprise.
This, of course, is of a certain importance for me as I wonder whether the S is the misstep of a WW, or something in line with my W's personality and character. If it's the latter, then it might just be hopeless to try and R with someone who's likely to do it again, and again. It would sadden me greatly, but better to know and deal with it. This is not a conclusion, just another piece of the puzzle.
(note that the article explains that these genes might explain infidelity, but not excuse it -- we remain responsible for our choices)
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
It't interesting, and certainly should R ever come up you'll have some research to do. Until then I am of the camp that really tries to stay away from diagnosing WAS. There is a very fine line between trying to understand the "why's" and starting to rewrite history. But I agree, whether it's R or another future partner, you will have your eyes wide open. Glad you're doing well Mozza.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
