my story

[Painter]

Hope, I just wanted to tell you that after 10+ years of interacting with stepfamilies in trouble, this is sooo typical. I'm not sure what the motivation is, but try not to let it get to you. It's all about pushing your buttons. If she got you to react badly, she would confirm to herself that you are bad. Great choice to do nothing until you get your thoughts gathered!

A way to handle this that could work well, in my experience, is wait 24 hours, then say something like 'Just saw your text - had no idea you liked running, that's awesome!' Nothing more, since you don't have time to write at length. And then text her the kids' times next time you take them for a run. That would take the wind completely out of her sails. If she can't push your buttons, she will hopefully stop.

I think not responding at all could seem like she got to you, too.

[Bob723]

Hope,

Painter has some good points. Well, we both agree it was good to take time to gather your thoughts and not let her get to you.

Again, great job!

Bob

[hope567]

Fyi - watching High Fidelity; don't know if it helps or hurts. But it's a good flick.

[Bob723]

Hope,

I know what you mean! I saw that and it is a good movie.

Hope you can enjoy it.

Bob

[hope567]

Anyone reached out to W's friends? She is genuinely making decisions that are so unexpected and unhealthy, although I am starting to expect her to make poor decisions. Eg, now she is going to have OM daughter stay over on same night as our kids. Until recently, she had been avoiding it. I feel completely helpless; she's unfortunately allowed to make bad decisions for our kids. It's a tricky proposition & she wouldn't like it if I contacted her friends. And she has upper hand on my time with kids, having only recently started giving me 50 percent. Some of her friends know about the generalities of what she is doing but few would challenge her behavior. I doubt many know of all the details. I don't know that any would want to get involved but curious about others experience.

[hope567]

Also, what is experience with alimony? We were at counselor today, which has always been forum to discuss kids. But today she expressed dissatisfaction with alimony she got from courts; divorce is not final. It totally threw me off, as we had never talked about that with counselor. I asked, surprised, if she was trying to trade money for time with kids?? She said no but it's definitely the feeling I got from it. Divorce is just the worst institution.

[hope567]

Divorce is so exhausting. I feel like I am being attacked by my long-time best friend. She isn't working so has all the time in the world to keep divorce moving along. Whereas I feel nauseous with each nail in the coffin and the continued feeling that someone I love doesn't mind destroying me. How do you keep up your confidence from someone like this? Her ego is huge right now and absolutely nothing about this seems to be a big deal to her, even though the magnitude of this is as big as it gets. Feel broken.

Haven't made a signature yet but recently started posting, so see my first post for the details.

[HeavyD]

You will make many friends on this site. I am sorry for your pain.

Please keep posting.

[asitis]

Sorry you are getting hit so hard. I just read through your other thread, and it looks like a really sh*tty situation all around. You are showing a lot of courage in putting one foot in front of the other, and that is most of what you can do right now.

I did have some thoughts. First, keep a journal of your time and activities with your kids. Include time you have them, the fun things you are doing with them, care you are giving them (including taking care of parental responsibilities - doctors appointments, attending to the daily tasks that kids need taken care of). This is in part to build a case that you are a good, responsible parent who knows how to take care of them and that the courts should listen to and respect. No guarantees they will, but if you have this and your W has vague recollections of what she is doing for them and also has been exposing them to OM who is also married w/ a pregnant wife he is leaving, you may sway things in favor of stopping your W's selfish and destructive behavior vis-a-vis your kids. Obviously, finding the best lawyer you can is a must.

You mentioned a facebook friend request, but didn't see anything about what you did about it. I'd strongly say don't accept until you feel like she has demonstrated adequately that she is deserving of it. That is clearly ended the A and stopped exposing your kids to OM, has shown you some respect that is necessary to any healthy friendship, and either that she is serious about working on your M or enough time and finality has passed and she demonstrates that she is serious about working on better co-parent relationship with you. She is a long, long way from any of that.

Are you seeing your own therapist to deal with your emotional issues? I didn't see that, but maybe I missed it. If not, it really sounds like you need IC to really deal with this.

Finally, remember the phrase you'll hear repeatedly on this site: don't believe anything they say and 50% of what they do. Don't take things to personally (I know how hard that can be), as the attacking is mostly to do with your W's problems and not you. I absolutely hate feeling wrongly judged. It is one of my biggest triggers, and has been one of the things I have had to work on the hardest to stop it from consuming me and triggering dysfunctional reactions. Even if it is not one of your worst triggers, in the situation you are in, it is getting pushed very, very hard and very, very often. IC can help with this. Just recognizing that this is a trigger so that you can interrupt the chain of reactive thinking each time it gets triggered can help. It does get easier, even though it always [censored] to be attacked the way you are.

Do you have a support network of people you can sit down with or talk to? This forum is wonderfully supportive, but it also helps to have more direct human contact with people who can listen and respond empathetically and sympathetically. We do best when we hear these things other's voices, and even better are able to read these things in their body language as well. There is no substitute. If you haven't started developing at least a few people you can turn to IRL, make that a priority. IC can be one piece, but getting involved with groups that form your social network are useful as well. Reaching out to friends, even those you haven't been close to lately, is another source. The more sources of support you have during these tough times, the better.

Keep your head up and focus on your kids and yourself. It won't last forever. Good luck!

[NDY]

Hi hope (pun intended).
Yea, I read your thread. That's pretty harrowing. Sad how quickly it goes south, right? I think you are doing the best you can. Do whatever is necessary to protect the kids.

Folks around here always say focus on you. That's always a good thing and I agree with that.

The OM sounds like a real scumbag. I'd want to keep my kids away from him as well.

Good luck my friend.