I think there's more I need to say here. After I wrote the above post I realized some things.
-- it's time for me to move on. I mean, literally I have to move from this apartment, which is less than a mi from where my ex lives. He works in NYC (we are in NJ), and I know the minute we move, he will move closer to the city -- if not directly into the city.
And I think I'm just really dreading that and putting it off. Like it will "finally be over" -- finally time to let go.
So I can't move. And I stay. And we've gotten sick from the mold in this apartment (we've lived here 6 years).
I still have this active fantasy, that we can have another baby. That I can get my new career underway finally. That he and I can work on our stuff. That we can live in or near NYC -- together. And be a family.
And I'm having a super crazy hard time letting go of that even though EVERYONE around me thinks he is SUCH an a**hole.
I guess I get scared by his threats (taking her full custody) and his selfish-ness (not paying child support for a year, not paying for her OT when she needs it, blaming me for thinking she's on the spectrum -- even though her specialist wrote this as her dx and she has the labs to prove it) and his immaturity.
But I also see this as his learned behavior. How he knows to behave. It just doesn't really work on me anymore.
I know what he's put us through, and yet I can also take responsibility for what *I put us through* -- and my flaws.
I know he was raised by a single abusive mom and chose to medicate himself rather than work through his past.
I know he's scared and so he behaves like a threatened animal.
And I know I "deserve better" and he is not a safe person to turn my heart over to.
But I think I still get stuck on feeling like -- don't we all have our sh*t? Which is where I kind of start to spin and go -- should I? Should I try again? Or just walk.
