Another early-warning signal that the marriage could not have been saved: W never, not once, not even from the beginning, showed any remorse. Only guilt.
This was epitomized in an incident I don't think I've mentioned here. On a particular morning, I broke down bawling worse than I ever had (before or since, at any time of my life). I don't remember the exact trigger, but I think this was a day not too long after W had said she wanted to bring OM with us on our wedding-anniversary vacation. W expressed sympathy, petted me, and-- once I gathered myself together enough to sit in a chair instead of lying fetal on the floor-- curled up in my lap, seeming ever so unhappy for me. And as she nuzzled into me, she said something like I'm sorry you feel so badly, and "you should do what you have to do to stop this pain." I knew what she really meant (i.e., divorce her), but I replied "Oh, you mean I should write to [OM] and tell him to stop all contact with you?"
She practically leapt off of my lap. She stalked to the opposite side of the room and looked sidelong at me with unveiled contempt and anger. All pretense at sympathy vanished. And she maintained her hostile attitude for the rest of that day. She wasn't interested in my feelings. She just wanted to stop feeling guilty.
Ha. Have done. This incident happened in January. The papers were filed last week. I think she picked them up on Friday without requesting a court appearance-- I'm going to call the courthouse on Monday and see if I can confirm that-- which would mean that, because we already signed and notarized a legally binding marital settlement agreement, it should be just a matter of waiting out the 30-day window given her to respond to the petition. Or I think there might even be a form for her to fill out to waive that window.
Something I've been contemplating today is the fact that there is no "victory condition" for me. I can't win anything or gain anything-- the assets are legally divided, all bridges are burnt. The only thing I feel I might genuinely want at this point would be some kind of acknowledgement from her that yes, she made an awful mistake.
But on the one hand, as the MC pointed out, she has zero evidence that her decision was bad. The only person hurt is me, and she has plenty of lies and rationalizations to wave that away. She hasn't lost her job, she has everything she dreamed about from OM-- where's the bad decision here? She can't see it.
And on the other hand, even if somehow she did, what good would that do me? Our love and marriage are irrevocably destroyed, and given who she's proven herself to be, I don't want her or her friendship back. So what do I get if she understands her mistake? Moral vindication? Revenge? What good do these things do?
There is no winning scenario. There is no victory condition. No matter what happens I lose.
Except financially. Cold comfort to have the law work out for me that way, but it is a consolation prize.
I'd like to ask you readers to respond to a poll, of sorts. My mother today commented that her divorce took nine years; her closest co-worker's, ten. Other of her colleagues, she said, talk about divorces that dragged out between five to seven years.
By contrast, after the discovery of my STBX's affair in mid-November, she burned our marriage completely to the ground in just four and a half months. We now have zero contact.
Not much has changed since the last message. We are still not in contact, and the assets are legally divided, but now the divorce papers have been served.
But one difference is that I've started having dreams in which she is the primary character, and which reflect our current situation. There have been at least four or five such dreams, and it's odd that it only now occurred to me that I should start writing them down to see what my subconscious may be trying to tell me here. As it is, I don't remember any details except the fact that I am having these dreams.
Well, I do remember a little bit about the one I just had. It took place in my childhood home (why do so many of my dreams take place there, and I only realize it when I wake up?) and she was there with OM, and I was there by myself, and we each had a different room, and it was the Christmas holiday. Oh, and another I had a few days ago was one in which I actually confronted and berated OM. Yes, I should start making note of what happens in these dreams.
This is not the greatest place to take a poll, IMHO
I think that most of what I see here can take place anywhere from very quickly a few days(like 90) all the way up to years(10-20). The most common would be around 2-3 years I think.
Lets face it - our marriages are over at bomb drop, some get lucky and are able to form new marriages, some legally get divorced and others don't.
I am in the US. My wife filed for D 7 months ago and our next court date is late next month.
Please hang in there. I know, easier said than done.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
These last couple of days have been pretty awful. For as long as I have been distracted by work (now that I have a full-time position, albeit a temporary months-long one), or meeting with new people, I am able to forget my STBX and to find the perspective that makes her and her behavior seem unimportant or even beneath me... and that feeling will stay with me for a while after the distracting event. But then the oppressive anxiety comes back with a fearful blast and lingers like an iron fist clutching my heart.
I'm pretty sure that what's going on is that the anxiety from my job is attaching itself to ruminative thoughts of STBX. At the office, I feel like I'm in over my head, which is awesome cuz it's the first time in years I've felt that way (promising personal and professional growth, and new skills, etc), and that in itself would be fine if it were either by itself or mitigated by loving feelings from a spouse or SO.. but instead, in my alone time, a stray thought of STBX pops in and gets blown up into a vicious cycle by the anxiety I already feel.
It has helped me a bit, today, to look through the forums here and see that, even now, STBX is just following a script-- it really isn't me; it really is her.
In this case, yesterday she contacted me (this I'm about to describe was all by text) to say that she wanted to come get more of her stuff-- particularly her bike, because soon it will be "bike to work" week. I checked my calendar and saw, to my surprise, that I actually am not going to be home at any time of the day or evening until next Tuesday. I wrote her back to suggest that day. She asked if I could leave a key for her somewhere so she could do it on her own, and I said no (I don't want her to have free access to this place, even if it is just the storage area). So she then agreed to next Tuesday, and I replied that I would let her know if anything changed between now and then.
I realized she would've been taken aback by my declining to allow her a key, but I wasn't prepared for the sudden spew. She suddenly said, a half-dozen times over, variations on "Don't cancel. Do not cancel. Do not double-book-- be there," followed by "I'm already working around you. It is unfair of you to manipulate me like this," and then another few repetitions of "I will be there" and "don't cancel."
I didn't reply to this at all. I was sorely tempted-- I wrote one reply and then another, but then deleted it without sending, because what could I possibly say to dissuade her from her fantasy? Even when we were married and in love, she always refused to believe that I had no intention of manipulating or hurting her (calling me liar on more than one occasion) because that's what people do in her world.
And now I look through these forums and I see various people talking about how their WW or X or STBX spews unfounded accusations at them-- accusations of controlling, of manipulating, of "brainwashing". It's just part of the script.
Sigh. Don't we all wish that our spouses were smarter and stronger than this? Don't we wish that they had the moral character to resist such awful behavior, the intellect to understand the problem and figure out an alternative, and the emotional maturity to figure out how to rekindle their needs with us instead of OM or OW?
That's the real disappointment, isn't it-- that our spouse has failed us so completely.
