drop the rope- part II

[Elly4]

Zephyr, you are doing amazingly well for your situation. As you mentioned on my thread, having our spouses still in the house is a blessing and a curse.

A blessing because we have the time to work on ourselves and a curse because it is rather difficult detach. I have just started thinking about codependency and my R with my H. All we can do is keep plugging on and be thankful for the good stuff in our life.

There was someone on here...can't remember who it was, but had a grateful journal for every day. I've done it a couple of times when I was struggling more than normal. It had to be very specific items, ie I made my H laugh today, or saw a deer on my way home, rather than my house, my kid and so on. It always seems to help me. Maybe you might want to try it? It just puts things in a different perspective when I am frustrated or lonely, or sad.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

E

[Zephyr]

Thank You E, I always appreciate your caring support. It is one of the few lights in my life right now.

I've been trying to keep a log of things that I should be proud of. I don't write them all down anymore, but I sure keep track of positive things I do, because I should be proud of them. it is part of my self-respect / self-confidence / love myself improvement strategy. this has helped keep my PMA up for sure. It helps me be able to look at myself in the mirror and not hate who I am, like I did for so long.

Those things are great for feeling better about myself. they do not help cope with the anxiety of not knowing what is in store for me. I am trying to take the day-by-day approach...don't plan for the future, but that is a damned big leap from who I have been...that is all I've done is plan and prepare for the future. I am trying to live for today, that is unnatural, but something I have to keep up with to survive. keeping myself busy and finding different things to do and look forward to are about all I've been able to come up with to help with this. I did do some meditation, and plan on more next week (soccer playoffs are in the way of the group sessions this week). I also did some exercises I found on how to tolerate uncertainty. but i don't know if i feel any better about things as a result...it felt like they were more for dealing with anxiety of doing different things rather than uncertainty of the future. i will keep looking for other options.

None of these things help me with feeling appreciated, wanted or desired either. I do feel needed, for bringing home paycheck, raising kids, making meals, cleaning, etc., but I don't feel needed in the sense that if I were not there...my physical presence would not be missed only the rudimentary things I do...and nothing that couldn't be replaced by someone else in a heartbeat. this is a big empty hole in my life that I haven't been able to fill. one that knowing what is going on with wife will not even help either. Getting a Life certainly keeps my mind off of those things for a while, but those needs continuously go unmet in my heart and creep back whenever I am not doing fun stuff, specifically when i am working, driving, trying to go to sleep, shopping, etc.

every morning i read and reread the 37 rules (augmented with a bunch of other items) to reinforce the letting go. i have time, i just need to keep on going forward and not get complacent. i read the lighthouse story for perspective and i also read the WW thread highlights so i do not lose track of what a walk away wife if truly capable of.

[Zephyr]

Ok, so new 180...from some experiences on other threads...I need to just do things and not go out of way or make a point to to tell wife they are done. I just realized I have been doing exactly that...for a while now.

I got back from the SecState office and was going to text her that the plates are updated on the Cars. This is shortly after I read a few other posts today. Yikes, it was like all of your guys posts to each other just sunk in.

Thanks to all, eventually I will get this right.

[Bob723]

Thanks to all, eventually I will get this right.

Hey there "Z"

I'm so sorry, I’ve been extremely busy and haven’t been on the DB Forum much at all for a few days, but I have really been thinking about you. Sounds like you are doing pretty well.

What’s new with you? Any GAL activities planned for the weekend?

Your friend,

Bob

[Elly4]

Aww Zephyr. I'm glad that my posts are good for you. I think you are well on your way to being the best Zephyr, and I just want to help you.

Speaking of helping you, when you have anxiety have you tried grounding activities? They really help more than meditation because they can be done in the moment and anywhere you are. My IC introduced me to the techniques.

I so hope you have a good day tomorrow. I'm off to a young kids amusement park with my S and H.

Thinking and praying for you,
E

[Bob723]

Thank You E, I always appreciate your caring support. It is one of the few lights in my life right now.

Hey Zephyr,

After Eirinn's last post, it reminded me of your quote from earlier today. I feel the same way about 'E.'

Z, what would we do without E?

Bob

[Zephyr]

Great idea E! Downloaded what looks like a good grounding excersize. I will definitely try It out next time anxiety is high.

Thanks for your kind thoughts too Bob! I know how busy everyone is so it is a blessing when you guys make time to visit with me. Honestly I do not know how you all can get through all these threads and keep track and post so much. I am horrible at keeping track of more than 4-5 at a time. So I apologize I don't post more, I have made mistakes posting improper advice because I missed earlier posts or remembered situations incorrectly and I don't want to hurt anyones chances.

For me, I have really got to start moving forward. We had set up a paint n brew night with group but it get 'rescheduled by the venue'. Instead We went out with 2 of my brothers our best friend from when we we kids and all spouses. Had great dinner at habachi rest. Got to try lots of new food. Went to a country bar, they had live music...pretty good early 90s rock cover band... Love life music. We all had a great time. Then Went home and right to bed.

When I got home I seriously had expectations that wife would be affectionate or at least want to talk to me more than 'that was nice.' And then sleep. Maybe she was tired. What did I learn. Nothing clearly. How does one just not have expectations. Is it s choice, is how do you change a mindset?

[Elly4]

Aww, Bob now you have me all embarrassed!

Zephyr, the simpler the grounding exercise the better. My favorite actually is just naming what I see around me. I do it aloud when I can, but frequently just in my head. Just make sure not to add any judging tags to it. So like yesterday when I caught myself babbling because I was nervous that I was going to screw up the day, AND there was no duct tape at the gift shop, I quickly posted on here and then started saying in my head, "blue shirt, brown pants. Pink car, 4 wheels, white sign, pink shirt" Just the facts no opinions. It got me back in the moment and then I was able use the techniques that we've learned on here.


Let me know how it works for you.

Also, don't sweat not posting as much as Bob. We all know Bob is an amazing person that has that talent to reach so many people. You and I try to do it on a smaller level, as I too can only post on 5-6 a day if I'm lucky.

You change a mindset by starting each day with the intent to do so and try your hardest all day. If you slip up, acknowledge it and then move on. You have seen that we have all slipped up. You HAVE learned a lot on here and in your sitch, it's just hard to see your own personal growth.

I wish you a happy, grounded day.

{{{hugs}}}

E

[roist]

It is a tough situation, alright. Living together makes it harder to detach and w not having fired you as H or not definetely WW, then the boundaries and actions set out by sandi can't be taken.

You have done great with pma, gal. Everyone here says that it is s marathon and everything is slower than we want. I know the urge to take some action is strong as we need to feel like we are doing more. I would be tempted to force my situation too. But the gist of what the experts say here is that mostly the WAS has to cone through their fog in their own tine.

I've decided to try treat my wife as a friend and expect nonthing more from her. This helps with expectations and also with accepting the reality of our situation.

Being even newer to this than you I won't give advice on what you should do. Not sure if my posts are of much help but I post mainly to let you know that I am thinking of you too. Good luck

[Zephyr]

Roiste, your post are helpful. It is a reminder that there are people that care about me...and thy don't even know me.

Thank you for checking in with me!