Ripken - WW filed for divorce and I'm moved out #4

[gogofo]

Wonka is correct, just limit your interaction and words. No need to explain anymore, just give the facts.

I know it is a hard mode to get out of. When my D started I still felt the need to explain everything. Now I just give the facts. When I dropped off my key I just said "here is the key" nothing more.

If you have something planned or not there is no need to explain why you need to drop the kids off to her. Just give the facts.

My opinion is that I am D'd, my XW no longer has the privileges to my feelings or reasons behind my actions.

Be Joe Friday... Just the facts

[Ripken8]

Gogofo - I get the premise. However, I am NOT divorced (the process in in place) but I'm not trying to act like we're done and our marriage is over.

It's a hard balance. Definitely not pursuing, not initiating, going dark, getting a life, PMA, looking good, etc.

But don't want to be cold and FU attitude either.

[Sotto]

Hi Ripken, I think the way to go is to 'act as if' the M is over. As if your life is your own business, and you are not reactive towards W or worried about what she may think or how she may react. I think that is the key.

That doesn't mean being cold - cold would be reactive - it just means interacting in a neighbourly way and not over working or over worrying things - just moving forward and living your own life for now.

[Ripken8]

Toots - I am. I definitely am and that helps. Even though I'm acting as if my marriage is over and dropping the rope (which is 100% why I'm giving the key back in the first place), I wanted to be clear my intentions are not for my marriage to be over. I want to fight.

Even though I know this is the only healthy way to "fight".

[Bob723]

Hi Ripken, I think the way to go is to 'act as if' the M is over. As if your life is your own business, and you are not reactive towards W or worried about what she may think or how she may react. I think that is the key.

Hey Ripken,

Sorry, I’ve been extremely busy and haven’t been on the DB Forum much at all for a few days. I certainly have not forgotten about you, my friend!

I loved Toots' advice, especially the quote above. I'm glad you agree with her and are using that "strategy."

Any GAL activities planned for the weekend?

Take care.

Bob

[Ripken8]

Thanks bob and everyone else. I dropped the key of as I was saying goodbye to the boys. Handed it to her, said "here you go." And "have a great weekend" and left. She was surprised but also looked a little relived or happy, completely mind reading.

Overall I feel good. One less thing keeping me attached to what was our home and who was my wife. No idea if those will ever be back again.

[MadMax]

Ripkin-

I know exactly how you feel with the balancing act of trying to detach/GAL without putting out any possible flame that may exist.

If your sitch is anything close to mine then trust me the W knows you love her. More importantly she needs to know you love yourself.

I spent weeks backsliding only to realize my focus was still on the W and this created a vicious cycle. Let her go...if she comes back great, if not you'll still be great!

One day at a time my friend.

[Bob723]

You're welcome, Rip, you're going to make it.

Good job.

Bob

[Ripken8]

Max, bob. Thanks. That's the thing, I'm really feeling more detached and loving myself. Eventually I'll get to a point where I don't second guess or try and preempt every limited interaction we have because it'll be second nature for me.

Again, I miss her less living apart from her than I did when she slept 15 feet away from me.

[Bob723]

Rip, you're welcome. It seems like you are headed in the right direction. And it is so important to love yourself. As I'm sure you've heard/read, if you don't love yourself, how can you expect your partner to love you?

Keep it up, buddy. One step at a time.

Bob