Yes, I am very down on myself today. And was yesterday. I realized that my M is over and it has been very painful to just admit the truth.
I will certainly move into another step of this process but it won't cease the bad feelings. I gave a lot into this M and it is catastrophic to see everything evaporate like this.
I trusted someone that betrayed me. And it will be hard to trust again, much less the same person.
There is a small part of me that wants to believe that some human beings are good and they will treat you with respect and will love you for what you are. But there is a bigger part of me that no longer believe it is the way to go.
I do not want to be hurt again. Maybe I am too simple, too kind, too open, always been very happy, positive, but it just brought the wrong people into my life.
I agree with you that I need to find what I want in life and go for it, but I don't see myself open for any R anymore. I know it is like you say, who knows what is around the corner. But if you close your heart, then there will always be a sign of NO VACANCY on it.
H finally got to me. I have been giving excuses and believing that H is suffering, is in a fog, is confused. The last time he talk to me, he was not showing he was weak, tired, sad, confused, foggy or whatever. He said with all the words looking into my eyes that he does not know what he wants, but he just can't see himself married to me anymore.
He said that enjoying it. He said he has his life and his freedom. He said it with conviction and with enough venom to hurt me very deep inside.
He finally got to me. I could see a cold person that does not give a damm for what we had for 18years, for all what I did to built the family we have, for all what I helped him to achieve.
He used me to move forward and now he just throw me on the garbage. I think it is somewhat good that I feel this way for awhile. It will give me the strength to leg go. Right now, what I really want is do not deal with him at all. I do not want to see him, hear him, look at him. He makes me sick and I do not need him around anymore.
You see, the story repeats itself again, I need to get to a point that I realize that "X" is not there for me and is not doing anything to see some value in being with me. I am good for many things, I am just not good enough for someone to fight for me.
It's all good, life moves on, has many faces and R is just one of them. I will be feeling good again. I will just close the door for this kind of love and never be hurt again.
Don't worry! I am not hang myself in the garage. I do feel that life is precious, I believe in God, I just don't believe in a love from a man, at least not for me.
I have a huge amount of good and will use this to help myself now.
So, are you going to open a new thread? Everyone wants to know about you and write to you.
