Thank You E, I always appreciate your caring support. It is one of the few lights in my life right now.
I've been trying to keep a log of things that I should be proud of. I don't write them all down anymore, but I sure keep track of positive things I do, because I should be proud of them. it is part of my self-respect / self-confidence / love myself improvement strategy. this has helped keep my PMA up for sure. It helps me be able to look at myself in the mirror and not hate who I am, like I did for so long.
Those things are great for feeling better about myself. they do not help cope with the anxiety of not knowing what is in store for me. I am trying to take the day-by-day approach...don't plan for the future, but that is a damned big leap from who I have been...that is all I've done is plan and prepare for the future. I am trying to live for today, that is unnatural, but something I have to keep up with to survive. keeping myself busy and finding different things to do and look forward to are about all I've been able to come up with to help with this. I did do some meditation, and plan on more next week (soccer playoffs are in the way of the group sessions this week). I also did some exercises I found on how to tolerate uncertainty. but i don't know if i feel any better about things as a result...it felt like they were more for dealing with anxiety of doing different things rather than uncertainty of the future. i will keep looking for other options.
None of these things help me with feeling appreciated, wanted or desired either. I do feel needed, for bringing home paycheck, raising kids, making meals, cleaning, etc., but I don't feel needed in the sense that if I were not there...my physical presence would not be missed only the rudimentary things I do...and nothing that couldn't be replaced by someone else in a heartbeat. this is a big empty hole in my life that I haven't been able to fill. one that knowing what is going on with wife will not even help either. Getting a Life certainly keeps my mind off of those things for a while, but those needs continuously go unmet in my heart and creep back whenever I am not doing fun stuff, specifically when i am working, driving, trying to go to sleep, shopping, etc.
every morning i read and reread the 37 rules (augmented with a bunch of other items) to reinforce the letting go. i have time, i just need to keep on going forward and not get complacent. i read the lighthouse story for perspective and i also read the WW thread highlights so i do not lose track of what a walk away wife if truly capable of.
