Just wanted to stop by to express my sympathies for you and your D. I hope you get the time you need to make the changes you can.
I noticed something early in your thread (just re-read the whole thing):
"One of the things my wife has said is how she doesn't trust me and how I don't understand or respect her feelings. She thinks she has been pretending to be this person she isn't for so long and she blames me for this. She thinks she had to be this person to make me happy and I didn't care about that. I told her I didn't know she felt this way, I want her to be her, not be someone she thinks she is supposed to be."
That's something I recognize from my H. He hasn't had his needs met and feels that I should have known how to meet them without him saying. He has said what he thought I wanted to hear - and I remember he even said to me once that in a M, you should say what you think the other person wants to hear instead of telling them when you disagree or have another opinion. I was blown away... not my idea of a partnership. I've felt disconnected from him for years, because he seemed so closed off.
I wonder if people who try to please like this perhaps are more insecure about themselves, and more prone to hide their feelings from their partner and become unhappy to where they have an affair. I know that my H does not spend much time thinking about his own feelings or perceptions. He's very much an 'it is what it is'-person and buries himself in work and activities. But the feelings are there - they just build and build...
The MC talked yesterday to H about having a clearer voice - be honest with himself and not try to do things that makes him annoyed (he gets easily annoyed and angry).
None of us can be responsible for another person's choices, though. It's not a our job to ferret out what our partners really feel if they hide it from us. All we can do, is make sure we listen and create a safe space to open up in.
Oh, I'd also take it as a good sign that she's lying to the counselor. Means she is embarrassed by the truth still.
Her affair may have an impact on custody arrangements and the divorce. I hope you include all the information you have about what happened when you talk to your attorney.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
