if you research 'Affaired Down' it implies you are the prize here. She picked a goof who does not measure up to you nor what you can provide ... he is the quick feel good drug but you are the steady healthy diet .... currently she is high on him and getting fat off you if you get my drift.
True, true and true.
Quote:
Bottom line its your choice, it truly is.
Got it. In fact, in re-reading your last post, I think this quote was the crux of your entire argument. That, and that I am not truly applying DB principles. Looks like I have some more thinking to do.
Last night, I was talking to my W. I began in my usual passive aggressive tone. She was also very defensive. I told her that we have to start telling the kids. W feels that our S11 had issues before BD. She still largely denies that the breakdown in R has effect on the kids. I also was a bit annoyed because the housekeeper came two weeks in a row, and we agreed that we cannot afford weekly housekeeping. She wanted to know how much money we have in savings and I refused to tell her. This really ticked her off, because she feels it is her money. I told her, that she has everything she needs and asked her why she needs to know? I told her what I thought the realities of the situation are: financial fallout of D, emotional fallout for children. I reiterated that I did not choose D, but I am ready to proceed. Then, for some reason, my tone softened. I clearly stated an ultimatum to her. I consciously and unabashedly stole it (with modifications for my sitch) from OnGuard. I told her that I will not live in an open marriage and before I would even consider reconciliation she would have to: 1) voluntarily go NC with OM 2) voluntarily initiate 100% transparency 3) We would have to move to a new city 4) She would need to see a psychiatrist 5) She would have to have true remorse for her actions 6) If the above conditions were met, we would have to then go to a MC of my choosing
I also told her that: 1) D is her choice and that she has full responsibility/control over the decision 2) much damage (especially relationships) has been done and will need to be repaired 3) the bulk of the work will be painful and difficult, especially for her, and especially for the first few months. I did not sugar coat it. 4) Even if she were somehow willing to do the work - which I doubt she will be, I may still decline the offer to reconcile 5) I will not reconcile for financial reasons or for the kids 6) a new relationship can be built out of the ashes of the old, broken one, and that others have come back from the brink successfully.
What followed was very weird: we sat opposite each other for about an hour, barely talking at all, while she processed what I had said. She asked only two things of any substance over the entire time: 1) "Why would you be willing to reconcile?" I told her that I may not be willing, but if I did it is because I believe in the institution of marriage. 2) "What if you cannot find the love for me again?" To which I replied, as usual, that love is a choice.
It may not have happened exactly like this, but I ended by saying, all you have to do is ask me four words "What will it take?" (Stolen from Starsky - in OnGuards thread). In the meantime, we continue towards D.
