The END Hopefully they live happily ever after....

[DFE]

I looked up "gaslighting" I don't think that's what he is doing. I honestly don't even think he is aware of the dynamic between us except that it's toxic. I have looked up emotional abuse and it seems that many of the behaviors are there but again I really don't think he is aware of it.

I think he is confused. He tries to connect but freaks out when it seems like it's becoming too much. He has repeatedly told me and others "who knows what will happen". We may get back together in a few months.

I have the urge to send a letter to him in the kids bag tomorrow. I am trying to stop myself because I don't really think I did anything wrong. Our argument escalated and I said some things that he misinterpreted but had he given me the courtesy of an face to face conversation it wouldn't have happened.

I just like it better when we are friendly. I feel better emotionally not fighting with him and it's easier on our kids. In his mind he is really trying to be friends but you are the that chose this life for us.

I want him to know that I wasn't trying to get back together with him. I am not ready to get in a relationship right now. I am working on me and finding my voice again. I was trying to work on our friendship like he said and "who knows what will happen". Being my friend means open communication and no electronic communication. Blah Blah Blah. You get the point.

Am I a total loser for wanting to send something like this to him? One minute I say the hell with him. He doesn't deserve me and he is the one that lost out. The next minute I say he has reached out to me multiple times throughout our marriage, separation, and divorce. I have been angry and not ready. I don't want regrets or is that my emotionally abused self speaking?

Please give me your thoughts. I read other threads and can clearly see they are being played. I just don't see it with mine until I read another thread. I could relate to her. I know he is cake eating because I have always allowed it. Do I just go no contact except for the kids? If he continues to be angry at me he doesn't feel bad. It's when I am nice and we are on good terms that he regrets what he has done. I do want him to regret it. It will help me heal.