Maybell XXXV: Almost There

[Zues126]

This has been on my mind a lot lately. There's this balance between 'reasonable expectations' and 'entitlement'. It's not just in marriage. It exists in any partnership.

My last job I was a supervisor. On the one had the leadership team wanted to do everything we could for our employees. We asked them for feedback, etc. Some of that was constructive, and we were able to do good things for some loyal employees. But many employees were just entitled and negative, and the more we'd do the more they'd want. They wouldn't be satisfied, and many were extremely entitled and unappreciative.

Same goes for parenting. Unchecked they will make mile long Christmas lists, buy every toy in the store, and go to Disneyland every day. As parents we have to listen to what they want, and it's nice to do some of that for them every once in a while. Meanwihle the kids too must learn that life isn't about getting everything they want.

When I think of marriage I think I was far too entitled. I google searched "marriage expectations" and pulled up page after page of people writing how expectations kill a marriage. Same with guys expecting sex. Or anyone expecting anything. Expectations lead to disappointment and resentment.

Yes, I know how lonely it can be. I didn't speak to my W for a total of 3 out of the last 5 years. We went over a year at a time without ML despite me explaining that was essentially the one thing I needed from her, so when it was denied over the years I felt divorced emotionally. It was very difficult to stay in that marriage.

But what I wonder is- what if I had just let go of expectations. Who I am to deserve a partner that is sexually fulfilling? Many men are stuck with selfish women that withhold affection and blame their partners. Why should God make an exception for me? Why do I deserve a partner that works together with me the way I think they ought to? Why do I deserve to not feel lonely? Is this my partners fault, or is this just the human condition and somehow I thought having a spouse would exclude me from the pain in the world?

I mean- right now you don't have a partner, so you don't expect anything from them, because they aren't there. Are you lonely? Maybe a little. But does it fill you with resentment? No, becaues you aren't expecting anything. Why does this change when we find a partner? Why do we have to set the bar beyond the reach of a flawed human?

Personally I think I should've just let go of all my expectation and served my W. If I could've had less resentment, accepted that I would be in an unfulfilling M, and just enjoyed having a partner to serve...I think that's what a healthy M looks like in many ways. AND it would've allowed her to respond in more loving ways so maybe it would've been better, AND I would've been more apt to appreciate what she DID do for me.

And no- I don't literally mean ALL. I wouldn't want to be in a M where my partner cheated, drank, gambled my money away, abused my children, and never spoke a word to me for the years we were together. What I'm saying is there is a balance, and I think that our society as a whole is way out of balance putting too much pressure on the M to do things it can't do, then blaming their partner for the dreary reality that is being human.