Yes Py, I feel very similar. I am just trying to let some time pass, I believe I'll find a better balance. I just spoke with my dad about this tonight:
The serenity prayer really rings true.
On the one hand I am proud of my passion for marriage. My commitment. My beliefs to work through things, and accept a reality that isn't fairy tale happy endings. I do believe divorce is the biggest social crisis in this country, and that it is fueled by entitlement and selfishness. And I think that doing what we can to advocate for marriage in our personal relationships, in our modeling to our children, and to the extent that we can inspire and impact those around us is a good thing.
On the other hand, I can't change the world. I can't force everyone else to have the same views as I can. And it would be destructive for me to house negative emotions at every person that initiated a divorce, and at God for allowing the world to be the way it is. It would be destructive for me to allow my children to be harmed because they can sense hostility towards their mother. It would be destructive if this interfered with my personal relationships because not everyone felt as passionately about this subject as I do.
What is the right balance? How much of these are my healthy beliefs and passions, versus what is emotionally fueled by the pain I'm still suffering?
That, my friend, I cannot answer. But I will tell you I believe there is some of each. I do believe I have a lot of positive feelings about pro-M that will serve me well. But I also believe I am still somewhat raw, and that over the next couple of years as the heat from the wreckage cools down and is no longer influencing me that I may 'mature' out of this a bit. Remember when I said we had to count to 10 months? A few times? This is one of them.
I know that because any time I feel indignant that someone disagrees with me I see that as a sign that I'm emotionally aroused. So the thought that my STBX has unilaterally declared our M beyond repair and views it as a 'good decision for the family' still wakes up anger in me when I go there, just like it clearly does for you. Someday I hope to be able to look at her views and decisions as dispassionately as if a co-worked told me that they were going to get blitzed at a bachelor party and hit some strip clubs. I wouldn't necessarily agree with their choices and it's not for me...but it wouldn't anger me either. Maybe that's a bit more dispassionate than I'll get, but you get my drift. I will deescalate to some level.
Until I do I am wary of the fact that my passion may not all be healthy and productive, it can be unhealthy and destructive. And I think that's the best test. If I can let go of the negative parts, but keep the positive...or strive to...that is what I want.
I have come a long ways, and I am excited that I can continue to grow.
Take care Py.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
