The END Hopefully they live happily ever after....

[Cadet]

Maybe I missed it but does he have a girl friend or another person?

Yea divorce sometimes is just a legal piece of paper.
The emotional divorce can be the much harder part.

[DFE]

AS far as I know girlfriend. Even on nights where he isn't with us he is with his sister, my brother, or our mutual friends. I have straight out asked him too and he says he isn't seeing anyone. He says he misses his family and tells everyone who knows what will happen in the future. Maybe we will get back together.

[DFE]

Anybody else going through a similar thing or have read on the site about a similar situation?

So I have done a lot of work and forgave him. I let go of the anger and understand why we are here. I think that's been dangerous though. I have been hanging out with him and my kids more. He even spent the night twice (on the couch). One of the nights he asked if we could watch a movie.

Twice now he has said over text is this a date? Or something like this isn't a date or is it?

He's text me a few times now saying Good Morning beautiful. And has said I am a pretty devil in a flirty way. I am now getting confused again. I am enjoying spending more time with my kids. I like being friends with him more than I like fighting with him. He will always have a place in my heart and I know where I could have done different. In a way I am exploring where this goes too but I don't know what he is doing.

He seems like he is testing us out to see if we can get along but I don't want to let him cake eat. Is that what this is? He is very helpful to me around the house and with the kids. Always there if I need something and I know in my heart that he loves me. Strange I know. He invites me to dinner with him and the kids. Even BBQ'd at my house the other day and made us dinner.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like he is having second thoughts about the divorce but I want him to know that this wasn't a joke. You don't get the best parts of being a family without any of the hard parts. This could also be a way for us to BOTH explore the possibility of a new relationship between us. NEW because the old one is dead.

Thoughts? I just need advice. I thought once we were divorced this merry go round would stop but it seems we are back on going around and around.

[DFE]

NEED HELP!

I was doing better or so I thought. Maybe it was because we were talking to each other and my stupid brain started getting mixed signals. What's a mixed signal when you are divorced. I sometimes wonder if I am being emotionally abused and that's why I am so weak when it comes to him. I have been reading another posters sitch and I see myself in it. I am his doormat.

Last week I was going out of town. He text me to see if he could stay with the kids since he was going "away" at the end of the week. STAY in my house with them. I said let's talk when we see each other. Well he blew up. He text me saying he wasn't going to put up with my BS for long and that I was taking away his right. He said why do I care if he spends time with them while I am gone. He then called me and it escalated. I told him several times to let it go until we met later that day so that we could discuss it. He kept saying what's there to discuss its either yes or no. I was talking over him and he told me to shut up and I hung up.

He then text me. I told him that I wouldn't allow him to speak to me that way. I said have a conversation about personal and business (we work together) that is long overdue. He responded saying there is NOTHING personal about us. I left for my trip and he sent me a long email resigning and telling me that we are no D and that I can't control where he goes and what he does.

I wanted to talk to him for several reasons. One he was going away and I think he was meeting someone. I told him from the beginning if we are to be friends and I find out you are seeing someone the friendship is done. Secondly I was going to tell him that I didn't think it was appropriate he stay at my house while I am out of town.

We haven't spoke in over 10 days. The first week I was super low and couldn't function. I am starting to snap out of it. We are D now. How can he still mess with my head like this???? He gives me anxiety like nobody else. He always does this to me. We fight then I get an email like the one I got the other day. It shuts me up and ruins my mood. He has been cake eating for too long. Any advice would be helpful. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am in counseling and trying to work on ME.

[GH31]

You are being emotionally abused.

Google the word "gaslighting" or better still look it up in the Oxford English Dictionary.

I can't tell you what to do but if you were my own daughter or sister I would strongly suggest either no contact at all or very "managed" contact, in the same way you would handle a radioactive or toxic substance.

It will only become apparent how much you have been played once a period of no contact has passed and you get some perspective.

GH31

[DFE]

I looked up "gaslighting" I don't think that's what he is doing. I honestly don't even think he is aware of the dynamic between us except that it's toxic. I have looked up emotional abuse and it seems that many of the behaviors are there but again I really don't think he is aware of it.

I think he is confused. He tries to connect but freaks out when it seems like it's becoming too much. He has repeatedly told me and others "who knows what will happen". We may get back together in a few months.

I have the urge to send a letter to him in the kids bag tomorrow. I am trying to stop myself because I don't really think I did anything wrong. Our argument escalated and I said some things that he misinterpreted but had he given me the courtesy of an face to face conversation it wouldn't have happened.

I just like it better when we are friendly. I feel better emotionally not fighting with him and it's easier on our kids. In his mind he is really trying to be friends but you are the that chose this life for us.

I want him to know that I wasn't trying to get back together with him. I am not ready to get in a relationship right now. I am working on me and finding my voice again. I was trying to work on our friendship like he said and "who knows what will happen". Being my friend means open communication and no electronic communication. Blah Blah Blah. You get the point.

Am I a total loser for wanting to send something like this to him? One minute I say the hell with him. He doesn't deserve me and he is the one that lost out. The next minute I say he has reached out to me multiple times throughout our marriage, separation, and divorce. I have been angry and not ready. I don't want regrets or is that my emotionally abused self speaking?

Please give me your thoughts. I read other threads and can clearly see they are being played. I just don't see it with mine until I read another thread. I could relate to her. I know he is cake eating because I have always allowed it. Do I just go no contact except for the kids? If he continues to be angry at me he doesn't feel bad. It's when I am nice and we are on good terms that he regrets what he has done. I do want him to regret it. It will help me heal.

[GH31]

I read other threads and can clearly see they are being played. I just don't see it with mine until I read another thread. I could relate to her. I know he is cake eating because I have always allowed it.

Yes, you're being played.

He might not realise he's doing it, and you might not realise you're allowing it, but you are absolutely being played.

Do I just go no contact except for the kids? If he continues to be angry at me he doesn't feel bad. It's when I am nice and we are on good terms that he regrets what he has done. I do want him to regret it. It will help me heal.

I really don't know, DFE. I think a period of no contact might give you some perspective. You are divorced and it's your right.

[DFE]

Today was a hard day. I almost went to an outpatient clinic for anxiety and stress. It got to be too much. Isn't this supposed to stop after the divorce?

All the advice I get is so logical. I would give someone the same advice. I just don't know what's wrong with my brain that it can't process it.

I've been suspicious of him having an out of town girlfriend for about two years now. Nothing serious I think just someone he talks to once in a while. He has made 4 trips to see her or as he says he is going alone to the beach. I think I know who it is and I should be happy that she is nothing like me but it hurts. I am told by everyone that meets me that I am stunning. Beautiful, fit, successful yet I don't feel any of those things because of everything I have been dealing with for the last several years. Then to see her just kills me.

I don't know how to get past this and move on. I know we are D. I know that he has zero taste and never deserved me. I know that I should move on but it hurts me to the core.

He hasn't spoken to me in 2 weeks because I told him he couldn't stay at my house while I was away. He sent me an email the other day and I responded with a nasty response. I had been drinking and was hurt. The next day I called a truce (why do I need to call a truce I have done nothing) but he said he didn't want a friend like me. That killed me. WHY???

I don't understand it. I should say the hell with you. You don't want to be my friend, you aren't in love with me, you aren't attracted to me but you are to that nasty woman, you don't want to be with me yet I am crying my eyes out over you. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME. I want him to admit to me that he was seeing her when we were together. I want the opportunity to speak with him but just like our entire marriage he is giving me the silent treatment.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel there is something wrong with my brain and I am going to get sick over this whole thing. I have had a tumor before and I don't want to go through anything like that again.

[DFE]

My heart and brain aren't communicating. I know what's right. I know I deserve better but it doesn't hurt any less. Now this new revelation that he may have been seeing someone before we divorced is like stabbing me in the heart and twisting the knife around. I want to talk to him face to face and have him admit it but I also know I should let it go.

It's crushed me. I haven't moved in 3 days. What's wrong with me? He said who he spends his spare time with is none of my business as we are divorced. Hurts me to the core.

[PigPen]

Hi DFE,

Unfortunately I don't have a lot of wisdom, and usually just listen to the pros on here, but I'm sorry you're struggling. My heart goes out to you.

It does sound like some distance would be good to allow you to take some much needed deep breaths, and gain some perspective. There's still a lot of entanglement for a couple that's divorced. It also sounds like you're being pushed and pulled and that's not fair. I would do everything in your power to step away for a bit.

Try to move too, even if you have to force yourself to one awful step at a time.

PP