My story with S21's father started on 1992. I use to dance Polish Folklore (danced it for 7 1/2 years). One night, there was a dinner at the Polish Club, I went with a female friend. I knew everyone there.
Dinner was nice and there was some polish people visiting. That's when I met A.
He was nice, polite and friendly. I was fresh, spontaneous, young and free. There would be a party on Saturday night at the club and he was invited, he asked if I would be there and I said I would. He asked me if he could dance with me in front of everyone, we laughed and so everyone else, it was kind of joke.
On Saturday, we met and there was a first kiss. I felt very good. The next many days that he was in Brasil, we went to many places together, he rode on my bike and was really afraid many times.
The romance was born and then he left. He start calling me every day. We said good stuff to each other and he said he was going to Singapure and would stay there for about a year or longer. He asked me if I would go with him and I said yes.
I gave up on a good job, told my family I was living and almost killed my mom with a heart attack. But, as I said before. I always did what I want, so no one even question my decision.
A british man came to pick me up and travel with me to Colombia, and then to Panama. I was in jail for almost a whole day in Colombia, because my family name is Sicilian and there was some questioning of why I had a Brazilian passport, traveling with a british man to Panama.
A was very nervous, called the Colombia government and somehow I was free at the end of the day, went to Panama and met A. We crossed the Panama canal and travel on the Pacific Ocean to Indonesia for 42 days.
During this trip we develop a very nice R. I fished a shark (not too big), jumped on open ocean, saw crazy lights at the bottom of the ocean, played bridge many, many times, learned a lot of polish words, saw the most beautiful stars in my life during a very dark night, got two huge storms and prepared to survive without anything, just a life saver and the ocean, did some training on how to hide in case of pirates.
We stopped by Indonesia for a few days, visited some places, saw a lot of poverty and I hate the food.
Then we travel to Singapure, where we lived for 1 1/2 years. During that time I decided to stop birth control and did not get pregnant.
Then we went back to Brasil, we had a nice life there but then he decided he need to go back to Poland, to close his business, take care after his house, property, whatever.
I was not feeling too good but I tough was because he was leaving and I was kind of nervous. After he left I went to the doctor and I found out I was expecting a baby.
When I told him he was very happy and started making plans, and choosing names for boys and girls. He called me very frequently. I was not working then. Time went by, my belly start getting bigger and bigger, and he start saying things were complicated.
Inside me there was some insecurities, I knew he was in his county, he had an ex wife and two adult children.
As the time went by, I experience sadness, loneliness, fear, insecurity, anger, resentment. It was a week, then a month, then many months. Due date came and I start labor on A's Bday, 5/23. He was calling every hour.
It was 5/25 late afternoon when I delivered my boy. I was not even talking much anymore. It was an emergency CSection, my baby was suffering. At delivery, I felt a strong pain in my chest, I asked my friend to take the baby and raise him because I did not know if I was going to make.
The last thing I heard was the doctor saying: #We are loosing her" and then I died. The doctors induced coma, in order to avoid brain damage. Two days later I woke up with most of my body purple and green.
That's when I finally saw my baby. When I got him in my arms, I promise to myself that no matter what I would raise him to be a good man. It was an incredible pain, I cried a lot because his father wasn't there during this fantastic moment.
Time went by, I spent all my savings. A was not sending money because the situation in Poland was very bad and his assets were all frozen at the time.
My brother is in the airforce and asked me to go to his house for a few months so I could nurse my baby for at least 6 months. I went from south of Brasil to the very north. That place was hot like hell.
After a few weeks there I got Malaria. Since I was small, thin and just had a baby, it was easy to go from bad to worse in about two days.
When I went to the Army hospital I was closing three crosses of Malaria, what means I was dead without much chance of survival. They gave Quinine straight to the vain every 5min for 48 hours.
It was a big battle. I had 106C degrees of fever. My brain was burning along with my life. I said goodbye to my brother and my sister in law, and again I did not die. On the third day of torture, I started showing some improvement.
I was kind of sick for awhile, I lost all every weight I had, I was a horrible skeleton.
With that came a lot of thinking. A desire to live and stop crying every day. I tough that if God gave another chance that it was not to throw away for someone that was not there.
I went back to the south and got a nice job. I started working a bilingual secretary and made very good money. I bough another car and another bike. I use to put a big bag in my back, and put S21 in between my body and the bag, he always had a helmet and we would cruise all the time.
I became happier and started detaching. I did not want to answer the phone all the time, I did not write all the time, something died inside of me. Then A went to Brasil to visit us. I was not the same anymore.
One time we were talking and I asked if he had any R while he was alone in Poland, he said that he was a few times with his ex wife. I got upset and he said that I should be happy because at least this was a woman he knew and he would not go back with her.
This was it. Everything died there. Was a cold water shower. He left after two weeks. I did not call him or write anymore, and I would answer just sometimes.
Then came a working trip to Ixtapa, Mexico for a huge South America sales meeting. I went and that's when I met my H J. I felt a big attraction for him and he felt the same for me.
I went to US right after Mexico and J was not suppose to be there. We were working for the same company, just in different countries (sound familiar?). He came back earlier to US and then we started our R.
When I came back to Brasil, soon was my BDay 6/17 and A called me. After he wish me a happy BDay and say how much he loves me and misses me and wish he was there, I told him to forget me, that it would be the last time I would talk to him, and that he should pretend that I was dead along with my son.
After 20years I called him on his BDay 5/23 and said to him that it is time to meet his son. He was in shock, asked me many times why I never answered his letters, never communicated. I told him that it was complicated. Told that I got married and have two other boys, said their age and he said that he understands, that I was young and he was just giving me empty promises.
I told him that I did not want to talk about this on the phone, that I will email him my info and then he can came to US. When he came, we can sit down and talk about everything.
This is it. That was one chapter of my life. Lots of happiness and lots of pain. I feel good that I never lied to anyone, my S21 always knew the truth, my actual H knew the whole truth since the beginning, my two other sons know about it too. I did not betray anyone, did not cheat on anyone.
Now, after 20 years I feel that I have been controlling and also steeling my son's rights to know his father and his father's right to meet his son. I understand now that I have no right to control other people lives and decided to make things right.
I told him on the phone that I do not want anything from him and neither his son. And that I am not playing games to arrange some R of any kind. I think we can be friends, he is 18 years older then me and I really enjoy talking to him. But I do not love him anymore, it was done long time ago.
I don't think it is complicated. I think it will be nice and enjoyable.
S15 asked me that if S21 was his father's son for so long if now he can be a son for S21's father. I told him that it is not the case and don't be crazy about it.
I know that RD is in shock and probably sees me a little skeptical now. I did not know that life would be like this. I let life happen and maybe I made a huge mess of it. I am not very proud of such mess, but I can't feel guilty or ashamed either. It was what it was, just that.
